Talk of the Town Ernie Anderson

Give a sheet
I read an almost-scholarly article the other day reporting that when it comes to bringing token gifts for Christmas party hosts, rolls of toilet paper are now considered acceptable. Why bring a boring bottle of wine or your homemade Jell-O mold when you can just load up on TP at Big Lots and cover all your holiday celebrations? Pro tip: Don’t go giving out any of that one-ply stuff or you’ll never be invited back. Pro tip 2: Exactly what is your party host serving that she needs so much toilet paper, anyway?

Pass the head cheese
By the way, what IS a Jell-O mold, anyway? Call me crazy, but I’m not keen on eating anything with the word “mold” in it. I feel the same way about foods with “curd” in the name. For that matter, what is eggnog all about? To me, “nog” sounds like something you’d scrape off your boot after a walk through a downtown alley, so I’m going to pass on that, as well. Unless you put enough rum in it, in which case, who cares?

Sad news about my chair
Unfortunately my new chair — the one that was serving as a sort of Ouija board for the heinie — didn’t work out. The thing was made of all mesh and I just couldn’t sit on that thing. Felt like sitting on a tennis racket. So now I’m on the prowl for a new chair and I’ve gotten kind of weird about it. Whenever I’m in somebody’s office space, I find myself eyeing their chairs all lasciviously while licking my chops and drooling. It really freaks them out, so that’s a lot of fun for me.

Chair update
OK, I’ve done it. I went and got myself a new chair. The Rutherford, it’s called, and it’s made of faux leather — which everybody knows is the richest and most luxurious kind of leather there is. I feel rather fancy sitting in this thing; like maybe I should be smoking a pipe and wearing a monocle or something. In fact, now that I’ve said it, I’m into the idea. Does anybody know where the monocle store is around here?

Mayor Krampus
Lewiston Mayor Carl Sheline took a lot of guff for promoting an event that involved the Christmas baddie known as Krampus, but here’s what I don’t get. How come Krampus gets all this hate yet year after year, the Grinch totally gets a pass? I mean, that Hell-borne green hooligan broke into several homes and stole presents AND all the food, yet people erect statues on their front lawns in worship of this violent felon and nobody calls for THEIR heads. By the way, until this story broke, I thought “krampus” was the Latin term for that pain you get in the calf after running too hard.