Talk of the Town Ernie Anderson

Snow, rain, snow
The weather has been weird. Every time I go outside, I need to know whether it’s pouring rain, blowing snow or just generally freezing cold. I need to know because I use different swear words for each. If all three conditions exist, I blend all the swear words together in such a way that I have to actually vomit to pronounce the cuss correctly. It’s great fun!

My friends just call me Heff
So, the other day I awoke to dozens of messages from people reporting that pornographic images and links were appearing on my Facebook page. Because Facebook was having its daily meltdown, I was unable to delete, block or report the offending images, which stayed up on my pages all afternoon. This troubles me, of course, but at the same time, I believe this is how Hugh Hefner got his start. One day he was a church-going pillar of his community and then BAM! He got hit with some Facebook porn and the next thing you know, he’s the king of the business. In advance of this exciting new career change, I’m off to get a pipe, a smoking jacket and a mansion of some sort for my lavish parties.

Brown snow in Rumford
It’s pretty sad that town officials had to come out on Tuesday and advise people not to eat, play in or otherwise fondle the weird colored snow next to the mill. I mean, if they hadn’t come out with this warning, would people have been flocking to the mill to make snow cones out of the stuff or to bring it home to feed their children and/or dogs? Of course, we live in a world where young people are snorting cinnamon and eating Tide pods for fun, so . . .

Drones over New Jersey
So, a veritable armada of unidentified craft has been buzzing across the skies of Joisy the past few weeks and yet nobody seems to be heading for the hills with their shotguns and water filters like we see in the motion pictures. This is disappointing to me because as some of you know, I spent all summer hiking and buying new backpacks, so I’m in a state of full readiness for an alien invasion. It’s like the ONE thing I’m prepared for. Don’t let me down, E.T. This is probably my last chance to validate the purchase of those nine new backpacks and 16 Sawyer water filters.

By the way
Did I tell you about my new office chair, The Rutherford? I just noticed that it’s listed as a “manager’s chair,” so now when I sit in it, I lean back, steeple my fingers and wait for some layabout to cross my path so I can issue some kind of ultimatum. Hasn’t worked all that well with the wife so far, but give me time. I’m new at this managerial stuff. I’ll have her in line in no time.