Who’s the coldest of them all?
Consider me humbled. Last week, as I was cleaning up the end of the driveway after the !!#$@! sidewalk plow went by for the third time, I found myself cussing and complaining out loud about the icy wind blowing down my neck. I mean, who has it worse than the poor soul who has to shovel five times a day after each storm? Convinced that I was the suffering more than anybody, I went inside to read the day’s news . . . and promptly came across Sun Journal photographer Russ Dillingham’s photos of a bunch of Lewiston firefighters conducting water rescue training on the Androscoggin River. Here were a bunch of guys, half submerged in icy water, crawling on their bellies in attempts to get faux victims to safety. I scanned the photos several times looking for a loophole, but nope. I am forced to acknowledge that the ice rescue guys were probably way colder than I was shoveling my driveway and so I had to quit whining about it. To even the score a little bit, next time I go out to scrape the yard, I’m gonna do it naked. So take that, show-offs.

And speaking of the cold . . .
When the very first word you utter each day upon stepping outside is !!#$@!, you just know you’re living your best life.

You know who else is cold?
Squirrels, that’s who. Saw one trying to run across my backyard the other day and I swear I could hear his tiny screams every time his tender parts came in contact with the snow. I don’t know what the squirrel version of !!#$@! is, but the one in my yard was definitely screaming it.

I HEART Sabattus town clerks
I know I grouse and complain about how hard it is to get information out of anyone in the Sabattus administration, but I feel I should offer this caveat. Every time I call the Town Hall and speak to the clerks instead of the big wigs, it’s always a friendly and helpful conversation. I come away from those chats with a song on my lips instead of hate in my heart. If I knew how to do such a thing, I would propose that the town of Sabattus do away with boards and committees and just let the clerks run things. The clerks, apparently, haven’t yet gone to school to learn how to be ornery and evasive like the rest of that lot.

Thith ith crathy
You know, I listen to the emergency radio pretty much all day long to monitor what the fire and rescue departments are up to but I have never once heard them called out for reports of kids with their tongues stuck on frozen flag poles. Do kids not do this anymore? Have we lost another fine tradition? I guess it’s up to me to bring flag pole licking back, and I fully intend to do so next time I’m out there naked shoveling.