BFFs

The campaign emails I’ve been getting from every candidate in the land are getting real chummy. To read some of these things, you’d think that Janet Mills and I, for instance, are lifelong buds who have been hunting quail, yard saling, going to Paint Night and playing cornhole every weekend together since Hector was a pup. Makes me want to pop by their houses, knock on their doors and ask each and every one of them if they want to play records and talk about our feelings. I got to wondering which of these candidates would be the most fun to hang out with, and then remembered that they’re politicians and my plans fell apart. Personally, I’d rather spend a night at the morgue.

Pardon my bellicosity

I just read “Animal Farm” for the 11th time and so I’m all bitter about political types. As far as I’m concerned, Napoleon and Squealer can go root in the mud, if you get my drift.

Could be worse

Imagine what campaign season is like in Sabattus, where the revolving door of turnover is whirling at the speed of the blades on a bass fishing boat motor? I’m surprised the town doesn’t have a sign up at the border saying “Welcome to Sabattus: How would you like to be police chief?”

Down in the mouth

So, I survived another trip to the dentist; thank you for your concern. You know, I’ve decided it isn’t the grinding and drilling and yanking and sandblasting that causes me the most concern during dental work. It’s that #@!!$# pick they insist on jamming into your teeth every five seconds. Novocaine is a wonderful thing and all, but every time they spear that pick into me, I expect it to land straight on a red hot nerve and I’ll be leaving that dentist chair via the roof.

Halloween candy prices are up in Maine

That rots, but hey. You could always hand out “healthy snacks” on Halloween night. Kids LOVE that! Go ahead, offer up celery sticks, soggy apples, mini raisin boxes, fruit leathers (whatever THOSE are,) or those little oranges or applesauce pouches when the ghouls come calling. It’ll work out great. Return to this space next week for tips on scraping soap from windows, eggs from your siding and toilet paper from your trees. Seriously, what were you THINKING?

It ain’t right

Until I wrote that bit above, I had completely blocked out the trauma of getting boxes of squishy raisins on Halloween night. Seriously, if you’re thinking of going that route, just sneeze in the kids’ trick-or-treat bags. It won’t be any worse.

Apropos of nothing

You know who have a lot of trees in their yards? Politicians. In an unrelated matter, toilet paper is pretty cheap at the dollar stores.