Stand down

OK, relax everybody. Another crisis has passed. About 7:15 p.m. Sunday, May 10, in the year of our Lord whatever year this is, Hannaford brand chocolate Graham crackers were back at their Lewiston store. It’s over. We truly are blessed.

Please remit

So, I’ve been prowling around Lewiston every day in search of action to capture on my old GoPro Hero Session. As we’ve seen, every time I go out with that camera, there’s nothing but peace and harmony in the downtown, to the point where city leaders ought to be cutting me a fat check in order to keep me out there. I clearly have a calming effect on the hoodlums. Since we’re all interested in seeing Lewiston cleansed of its violence and mayhem, I’ve gone out to purchase a DJI Osmo Action camera with a ton of accessories so we’ll soon be able to view the upcoming serenity in 4K resolution. With that in mind, the city ought to think about adding another zero to that check they’re writing me.

Airplane mode

I can be having the quietest day with nobody in the whole world needing anything from me, but the very moment I climb on that bike, it’s all: DING! CHIRP! BRRRRING! as everybody and his brother starts calling, sending messages or otherwise intruding on my bliss. I have to stop and start so frequently during those rides, I might as well be riding a bullfrog. What I need now is an assistant who’s willing to ride on the back of my motorcycle during my forays into the downtown. The job doesn’t pay much, but just think of the character it will build!

April showers bring what, now?

So, you know I’m not one to complain about the weather. Ha! I almost said that with a straight face. But man, the rainy weekends and lingering cold are getting to me. I’m watching Stanley Cup hockey with a space heater running and the weather nerds are talking about frost warnings. In May! I always want to demand my money back when the weather is lousy like this, but I never know to whom to make those demands. Soon as I figure it out, I’m really gonna cash in.

I’m sorry, what?

An old-timer flagged me down at Bartlett and Walnut streets the other day and began a long, rambling story the very moment I had pulled my motorcycle to the curb. Problem: I had music blasting in my earbuds and couldn’t silence it until I got my helmet off. I gestured to my ears to let the fellow know all this, but he just kept babbling on. He made wild gestures at the sky. He tapped the tip of his cane on my front fender. He made a circular gesture with his cane and then threw his head back and laughed. I finally got my helmet off and the music silenced, but by then, the old dude was done. He nodded solemnly, tipped his cap and walked away. I imagine it was a great story he told, but I have no flippin’ idea what it was about.

Mark LaFlamme is an award-winning Sun Journal reporter and columnist. He’s covered the nighttime police beat since 1994, which is just grand because he doesn’t like getting out of bed before noon. He is the author of eight published novels and rides a dual sport motorcycle everywhere he goes. Unless it’s winter, in which case he just sulks a lot.