DEAR ABBY: Two weeks ago, I went to a party with “Brady,” my live-in boyfriend of five years. To make a long story short, I had too much to drink. Brady took me home and put me to bed so I could “sleep it off.” I remembered nothing the next morning.

A few days later, I ran across an unfamiliar videotape and popped it into the VCR. I couldn’t believe my eyes! It was Brady and me having sex the night I was so “out of it.” When I confronted him, he said he had always wanted to document our love-making. Then he apologized. I made Brady promise to destroy the tape.

I feel angry, hurt and violated! I can hardly look my boyfriend in the eye right now. Am I making too much of this? – NOT INTO PORNO IN WASHINGTON STATE

Not at all. What Brady did was indeed a violation. I urge you to make absolutely certain that the tape has been destroyed and there are no other copies. And if I were you, I’d reconsider a relationship with a man who appears to regard you as a sex “object” rather than a person.

P.S.: Drinking and blacking out are signs of alcoholism. Please get the help you need to stop now.

DEAR ABBY: “Trying to Keep the Peace in the Pacific Northwest” wants a simple wedding, but doesn’t want to alienate his or his fiancee’s large families.

I have seven sisters, a brother, several stepparents, a huge extended family and a large circle of friends. (And that is just on MY side!) My fiance and I could not afford a big wedding or a fancy reception, so here’s how we handled it:

We made a list of what was really important to us. I love lots of fresh flowers, so that was put on the “splurge” list. My fiance enjoys good champagne. Everything else we either made or asked friends to help with.

My mom made my dress; a friend who was handy with a camera took the photos; we were married in the garden of my ex-roommate’s large home; my husband made his own D.J. tapes by recording songs off the radio; and I asked each of my female friends to bring a plate of hors d’oeuvres. Everyone knew our financial situation. No one was offended. On the contrary, we were told repeatedly how happy they were to contribute.

One hundred and fifty people attended our wedding and everyone agreed it was one of the best times they ever had. The cost? $1,500.

Twenty-one years later, we are still madly in love and have not changed our priorities. Ironically, we have friends who were still paying off their wedding debt while ironing out their divorce settlements.

“Trying” is a wise young man whose priorities are in order. No one should be pressured into spending what he or she doesn’t have to begin with. – HAPPY IN HUNTINGTON BEACH, CALIF.

I agree. To go into debt to fund a wedding is, in my opinion, foolish and unnecessary. Books have been written about how to plan a wedding on a budget, and they are available in libraries and bookstores. A wedding does not have to be expensive to be beautiful, memorable and a happy occasion for all concerned. Your wedding is proof.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order “How to Be Popular.” Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447.

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