Scientists report that the whole universe is slowly fading into darkness.

At first I thought it was just my aging eyes. Things haven’t appeared as bright in the world. Maybe you’ve noticed it, too. It’s as if a cosmic rheostat has been nudged down ever so slightly, making things seem dimmer.

(When I say “things seem dimmer,” I’m not referring just to politicians and the dolts in the cars in front of me who think turn signals are no more than decorative additions to the interior of their autos.)

But it turns out that there’s a scientific explanation for what I’ve been experiencing and blaming on my eyesight. Scientists now report that the whole universe is slowly fading into darkness. Why? Well, stars that give off light are dying, and although new stars are forming, they’re not doing so fast enough to replace all the ones buying the farm.

I’ll get back to all that in a minute, but did you ever wonder why we have so many slang expressions for dying? Like kick the bucket, give up the ghost, go flatline, sprout wings, go home feet first, bite the dust, cash it in, check out, head for the last roundup, push up daisies, take a dirt nap and on and on?

I appoint you stiffs to go figure that out and report back by, say, Halloween, assuming all the research doesn’t cause you to shuffle off the mortal coil.

OK, I’m back to stars. One reason I have deep faith in this new research is that one of the scientists who worked on it is named Heavens – Professor Alan Heavens of Edinburgh University’s Institute for Astronomy.

Can you imagine any better name for an astronomer? Well, yes, maybe his first name should be Cosmo, not Alan, but his last name simply drips with astronomical credibility.

Great (who says?) Britain’s Royal Astronomical Society sent out a press release about this universe-dimming news that quoted Heavens this way: “Our analysis confirms that the age of star formation is drawing to a close.”

Clearly he is not speaking of the entertainment world, from which new stars burst forth almost hourly – and often fade just as quickly, demonstrating that the public’s attention span for goofballs is limited, though that same public seems to be unendingly interested in the next batch of goofballs to come around.

“The number of new stars being formed in the huge sample of galaxies we studied,” Heavens said, “has been in decline for around 6 billions years – roughly since the time our own sun came into being.”

Most scientists now believe the universe is about 14 billion years old. If that’s true, then the news that the universe has been getting dimmer is about 6 billion years old. Indeed, scientists have long known about the dimming, but the new research by Heavens and his partners offers a more complete picture of the phenomenon because they used the whole spectrum of light from about 40,000 galaxies in or near the Milky Way.

When astronomers talk about the spectrum of light, they mean all the colors in the rainbow – and maybe even beyond, for all I know. Colors like ultraviolet, the very shade I would like to paint the guest bathroom in our house, though my wife is insisting on something with more of a downer feel to it, like “Nasdaq Blue.”

When scientists look at a galaxy, the shine they see is a combination of all the light from all the stars in it. Young, hot, massive stars (that would eliminate, among others, Calista Flockhart) emit mostly bluish light. These stars tend to live fast and die young (this would not eliminate, among many others, Janis Joplin).

Older, smaller stars tend to give off more reddish light, and Heavens and his colleagues have discovered that lots of galaxies look more reddish than bluish. Which makes me want to say “Wowish,” but I’m showing restraint.

I really don’t suppose I can blame this slow dimming of the universe for my own deteriorating eyesight. But I prefer that explanation over the aging process that requires me to seek brighter light for reading even normal size typewritten letters.

By the way, no letters were injured in the making of this column. Well, except for a few vowels, but they were asking for it.

Bill Tammeus is an editorial page columnist for The Kansas City Star.

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