It’s Halloween. Be careful out there. A lunatic has escaped from the asylum and he is running wild. He has a hook for a hand and diabolical plans to maim and murder.

Whatever you do, don’t take your honey out to park in a secluded spot. The madman lurks in these places in search of victims. He’ll wait until you and your sweetheart are comfortable inside the warm car and then … I don’t have to tell you what happens next, do I? Always check your car door for dangling hooks when you return from a Halloween date.

Also resist the urge to pick up hitchhikers, especially on those rural roads. Even if she’s pretty and sad-looking: Don’t do it.

She will sit quietly in the passenger seat, looking pale and sickly. There will be a strange chill emanating from her and a fetid smell you can’t quite identify.

Unnerving, yes. But not as unnerving as what you will learn when you reach the hitchhiker’s destination. An old woman in a small, dark house will greet you at the door. In a sad, tired voice, she will tell you what you should have realized miles back.

That hitchhiker you picked up has been dead for years, the victim of a car crash. Only, each year on the anniversary of her death, she wanders near the spot of the wreck, waiting for someone – like you – to bring her home.

Who needs it?

Mirror, mirror

Also, I beg of you, be especially wary around mirrors. I don’t care how great your Halloween costume looks, do not linger long in front of the looking glass. Take a final look, fix your hair and be gone. For God’s sake never – I mean never! – utter the words “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary” while you’re preening. A woman dead for centuries will burst from the mirror and into your bathroom, seeking vengeance on the person who killed her child. The last thing you will hear is the tinkle of glass falling to the floor. You won’t even hear yourself screaming.

Vanity is a deadly sin.

Skip long walks through foliage-blazed woods. We all know that a young man named Willy runs around out there searching for his missing fingers. They were lopped off years ago in a tragic mishap, and Three-Fingered Willy will be glad to take yours if he catches you out there after dark.

If you’re a woman and you plan to go out dancing tonight, be sure to check the feet of that dashing stranger. Everyone knows the devil likes to dance on Halloween. He’ll be smooth, he’ll be debonair and he’ll dance divinely. But glance down at the floor and you might see cloven hooves stepping in time to the music.

If your friends dare you to walk through the cemetery tonight, decline and let them make chicken noises at you all night. Remember that young lady who took such a bet not so long ago. She was found dead the next morning in the arms of a cemetery statue.

Quoth the raven

If a raven should flit into your chambers while you’re reading, don’t start asking the bird deep questions about the afterlife. You will hate the answers it utters, and you will go crazy with the truth it foretells. Chase the bird out with a broom. Or better yet, ignore it altogether.

This is all common sense, people. On Halloween, the veil between the living and the dead is very thin. Use caution. Remember the lessons you’ve learned through countless horror films.

If you’re admiring a quaint old house when a voice out of nowhere tells you assertively to GET OUT, by all means, GO.

If a stranger on the phone asks in a whisper whether you’ve checked on the children, gather up the kids and beat feet. That call is coming from inside the house.

If the little twerp you’re baby-sitting gets hysterical and tells you he saw a dark figure across the street carrying a lifeless woman in his arms, believe him. And fetch a bazooka. ‘Cause that dude across the street won’t go down easy.

If you’re a young lady being chased by a ghoul, a creature or an ax-wielding maniac, don’t try to flee into the woods. I don’t care how athletic and agile you are, you will trip 30 times over your own feet. Even if your pursuer is one of those lurching creatures who can barely stand up, he will catch you. Because all agility is lost when a young lady tries to run through the woods in the dark.

If zombies chase you from the graveyard, don’t hole up inside a house with a bunch of strangers. You might make it through the night, but in the morning, a zombie hunter will accidentally shoot you.

Finally, don’t let your feet dangle over the edge of the bed after you turn out the light tonight. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing under there. But I’m very sure that if you keep your feet safely tucked in under the blankets, that moist, clawed hand won’t be able to reach out and grab your ankle.

It’s just common sense.

Mark LaFlamme is the Sun Journal crime reporter.