We found Saddam Hussein. Correction: They found Saddam Hussein. I just get so worked up when I think about it. For what seems like years now, every time I turn on the television, I am drawn into an elaborate battle of good vs. evil Saddam vs. America (insert cheesy Fox graphics and music here). A part of me felt relieved when they uncovered Saddam in that hole because the good side had won. In fact, a part of me even feels pride because I can’t shake the feeling that I am directly responsible. On Sept. 19, 2002, the President was quoted saying, “people say, ‘How can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil?’ You can do something by mentoring a child, by going into a shut-in’s house and say I love you.” We are just coming out of the Christmas season, and a substantial number of relatives I visited could be considered shut-ins. Seeing as how I was overflowing with the holiday spirit, I expressed my love for them all. This is surely the reason why Saddam was captured, but wait, wasn’t the evil terrorist we were after named Osama and wasn’t he responsible for Sept. 11? Why didn’t my good deeds lead to his capture? Maybe I am just misunderestimating the president All I know is that it’s hard to keep everything straight, especially these days when I have to devote a solid 3-4 hours each day avoiding the killer flu and Mad Cow Disease.

All I know is that I for one am relieved that we found Saddam alive. This means that kids watching the evening news with their parents won’t have to swallow images of his dead body with dinner, The pictures of Saddam’s dead sons were more than inappropriate and more than disgusting. I felt ashamed to live in a place that would allow this. I don’t care who it was or what they did, there is no reason for this. If we hate Saddam and Company so much for their lack of respect for human life in Iraq, why would we turn around and do something like that? We need a better reason beyond, “They are the bad guys.” Imagine our outrage if Saddam came to America, pried the beer cans out of the hands of the Bush twins, killed them, then broadcasted it to all of Iraq. I guess it’s what we have come to expect from George W. Bush, a man who loves nothing more than a good old fashioned execution.

So what do we do with Saddam? What many people don’t understand is that killing Saddam Hussein will not erase Iraq’s history, will not return all the troops safely or bring back those killed from both sides,will not return the billions of American dollars spent there or help to revive our economy. We don’t understand Iraq and it’s a frightening lack of understanding when you consider how deep our involvement is. Since we don’t understand, we topple statues, promise a democracy that we don’t even have, bring Santa Clause to places he should never be, and freely interchange the words “attack” and “liberate.” I don’t think there is anything more misunderstood in America than freedom. We are told that we will find peace in the Middle East through bombing and war, When we were attacked on Sept. 11. we were all urged to appreciate America and our many freedoms. Freedoms like the freedom of speech? I love to think of freedom of speech after Sept. 11. “Say whatever you want as long as it is what we want you to say.” Or even better, freedom of speech after the announcement of war. Why is it impossible to oppose the war but support the troops? The Dixie Chicks were criticized for saying that they were ashamed to be from the same state as George W. Bush. I will freely admit that I am ashamed to be from the state where he spends too much of his time vacationing. It must be while on vacation that he kicks back and thinks up more brilliant ideas like tax cuts for the wealthiest 1% when he knows and we know that Trickle Down economics just plain doesn’t work.

I think the real question isn’t what should be done with Saddam, but rather what should be done with Saddam and Bush. I am tired of leaders who encourage their people to fight then retreat to their mansions or palaces unharmed. Maybe what we really need to do is let them box, just Saddam and Bush. Put it on Pay-Per-View, If Bush beats Saddam we ship him to some tiny foreign island (or Texas) to live the rest of his miserable life in exile. If Saddam wins, we finally give Al Gore his day of glory, crowning him the rightful president and apologizing for the confusion and the delay. Then we shake hands with Saddam again and start rebuilding the friendship we have tried to ignore since we decided Iraq was such an “imminent threat”. No hard feelings. Heck, we might even throw in a few more weapons of mass destruction.