If you think silence is awkward, imagine 31 years of it.

From fourth grade to age 40, Carol Long chatted about cooking, children or the weather.

But talk about the sexual abuse that misshaped her life, bruising her soul beyond recognition, was taboo.

Nobody knew. Long felt that nobody wanted to know or could help if they did, anyway.

Every tear was worth a thousand words.

“There was no hope for me the way I was feeling, which was depressed, kind of within myself,” said Long, now 56. “I held it in. It made a good portion of my life very miserable.”

Last Wednesday, Long, who has endured ups and downs with other support groups, completed a 33-week educational project titled “Trauma Recovery Empowerment Model.” It was a joint project of the Rape Education and Crisis Hotline and Abused Women’s Advocacy Project in South Paris. It’s just the second time it’s been offered there.

The membership and conversation were confidential, but Long and two other women chose to go public. They hope their progress inspires others suffering in silence to get help, get equipped and, if necessary, get out.

Able to choose differently

Judy McInnis is a survivor of sexual and physical abuse. Now she knows verbal and emotional battery wrought equal damage.

“Someone denying you access to your family, that’s abuse,” McInnis said. “And verbal abuse is the worst. Words sit right down in your soul. You can recover from bruises.”

Eight months of group therapy offered her one telling chance to apply the lessons.

McInnis became involved in a relationship that she said was headed down a familiar, destructive path. Once, McInnis admitted, she would have accepted that treatment, concluding that she deserved it or somehow triggered it.

No longer.

“Immediately, I got myself out of there,” McInnis said. “I just walked away. The skills I learned in this group gave me the strength to do that.”

Empowerment is foreign to many victims’ vocabularies.

Some withhold emotions from family because the perpetrator was a family member. Others try professional counseling.

The “deep, dark secret”

Then there’s the litany of frustrating questions.

“People say, Why don’t you just get over it?’ It’s a deep, dark secret that a lot of women keep,” said Carol Perkins of AWAP, who co-facilitated the group with Shari Smith. “There is a lot of guilt and shame attached.”

“The one I heard a lot,” McInnis said, “was, The past is the past. Why don’t you just keep it there?'”

Groups shrink as weightier issues fill the air.

“It’s a long commitment. Some people aren’t ready for heavy topics right away,” Smith said.

Perkins said her greatest rewards are the changes in those who stay. She sees more prolonged eye contact from them and renewed freedom to hug and laugh.

This year’s success story was Joanne, who requested that her last name be withheld. Joanne, who says she has been happily married for 18 years, began attending to encourage other women that good men exist.

Soon, Joanne realized it was she who needed the shoulder and listening ear.

“I had no self-esteem, a lot of self-doubt,” she said. “My self-esteem has come full circle. I wish (the group) could go on forever.”

Of course, happy endings are not the only possibility. Too many cases of rape, sexual abuse or domestic violence end in homicide or suicide.

Some abuse continues for years. The aftershocks can last even longer.

The next empowerment group begins in the fall. People may contact Smith, the executive director of the rape crisis center, at 743-9777, or Perkins at 743-5806. In Oxford County, the 24-hour emergency hot line is (800) 871-7741.

Long’s last words: Speak up.

“I feel wonderful and renewed,” she said. Empowerment “is what it says it is.”

Kalle Oakes is staff columnist. He may be reached by e-mail at [email protected].