I had been waiting for it for three years. As I passed my daughter’s closed bedroom door, I saw something new: a sign that said: “Teenager’s room, keep out. Do not disturb unless there is an emergency. An emergency is the house being on fire.”

I smiled that smile that comes with those moments, the ones you hear about, or see on TV. It foretold what is to come: the times when my contact with my daughter will be limited.

There have been other signs. We used to sit and watch a little TV together after dinner, but now she heads for the living room to practice her violin – without being asked – or to her room to read “Harry Potter” for the 27th time. We used to do homework together. Now she doesn’t want me in the same room. “I can do it myself, Mom!”

After years of being the perennial volunteer, the room parent, the field trip chaperone and homework monitor, I’m now simply a bank and cab. Lately, I’ve had more time alone within our house than I ever had before. It feels weird.

But my experience obviously is shared if a new survey is any indication. An EPIC-MRA poll of 1,000 parents and 1,000 teachers, commissioned by a coalition of education and family groups, found that the older kids get, the less involved their parents are with their schools. The poll also found that teachers would rather have parents more involved.

But the school situation mirrors life for the parents of teens. A gap that was invisible in elementary becomes a chasm by high school.

As our children start making their own decisions, making their own way, they not only do not need parents as much. Sometimes they don’t want us. There’s nothing worse for a teen than appearing to be a mama’s boy or a baby who needs mommy for everything at a time when you’re deciding what kind of car to drive.

Teachers need parents, but parents must find out what teachers need. For some, it could mean making sure that your child is keeping up with the lesson plan. For other teachers, it could mean volunteering in extracurricular ways that don’t make your child go crazy.

As someone whose daughter has banned her from chaperoning trips, it might mean helping with a class newsletter or taking the goldfish the science teacher can no longer keep. (Her name is Brooklyn, and she’s in an aquarium in my office four weeks after my daughter brought her for a little visit).

But whatever the needs of parents and teachers, we cannot ignore the needs of children to grow up, be independent, find a self-reliance to replace needing mommy and daddy to do all.

Sometimes, there are signs. But signs aren’t everything. After being in her room for a couple of hours, my daughter joined me on the couch and snuggled under my arm.

“I didn’t call you,” I said. “The house isn’t on fire.”

“I know,” she said. “I just missed you.”

Sometimes the gap bridges itself.

Rochelle Riley is a columnist for the Detroit Free Press. Write to her at the Detroit Free Press, P.O. Box 828, Detroit, Mich. 48231.