When we think of difficult people, our tendency is to think about the people with whom we work. It’s true, there can be very difficult people at work. There also can be difficult people at play, in clubs or associations, at church and other places. And then there are some folks who have the challenge of living under the same roof with difficult people.

Let’s look at some general principles for dealing those folks.

General principle 1: You cannot change them.

So very much blood, sweat and tears are spent trying to change difficult people who are just not going to change. We complain, we vent, we develop ulcers, all in an effort to try to get these people to behave differently.

I’ve yet to see it work. So how long are you going to bang your head against a wall before you stop?

When we attempt to change someone, the bottom line is we are trying to control them. And I’ve yet to meet the person who really likes and enjoys being controlled.

So what to do? Do you just give up? Nope, not at all.

There is a world of difference between trying to change/control people and learning how to manage them.

General principle 2: Learn to expect difficult behavior.

It still surprises me sometimes when people act inappropriately. I guess I just expect everyone to be nice and behave appropriately. In order to successfully manage the difficult people in your life, you need to learn to expect them to be nasty. Once you learn to expect it, you can anticipate it and then act accordingly.

General principle 3: You might be someone’s problem person.

There is no way you or I could be someone else’s problem, right? Well, no. Each of us could very well be causing problems for someone else.

Most likely we do not realize we are behaving in ways that are irritating and problematic to others. We have no clue as to how much angst we cause.

We are all FHBs, or Fallible Human Beings. We are all capable of being jerks.

So it can be useful to evaluate your own behavior and look out for inappropriate behavior in yourself that you see in others. If you really have a lot of guts, you can ask someone who knows you well and that you can trust to tell you the truth if you have any problem-like tendencies.

Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist.