Are you going crazy searching for the perfect Christmas gift for that man, woman, child or large dog who has everything? And does a big-screen, plasma TV seem like just the right ticket … to an appointment with a credit-card counselor?

Allow me to suggest something that has revolutionized my TV viewing habits: TiVo. Adelphia has something similar, but I hope you have better luck getting a phone call through to them than I have.

I paid about $100 down and $5 per month, but it’s been worth every penny.

First, I’m usually slow to adopt new technology. My wife and I were happy with our 19-inch black-and-white set well into the 1980s. And we’ve had the same color set for at least a decade. To me, the quality of the programming is more important than the color saturation or size of the screen.

Really, Chris Matthews’ head is too big and pink on any size screen. Bill O’Reilly is much more entertaining in “no-sound” than surround-sound, and Tony Soprano in his skivvies is way too vivid already.

So, what’s the advantage of TiVo? It finally makes viewing TV more like reading a newspaper.

Just hear me out.

Ready when you are

For instance, with TiVo, you watch TV on your schedule not on some network’s. So, if you are a news junkie like me who wants to watch the ABC and CBS evening news shows (which both appear at 6:30), you can.

Even better, you can watch them at 8:30 p.m. after work, after you’ve stopped at Sam’s for pizza and after you’ve kissed the dog and walked your husband.

Or, if you want to watch “60 Minutes” at the end of the Patriots’ game, TiVo will have it recorded and ready for you after you’ve watched Vinatieri kick that overtime field goal.

And you can watch any program in about two-thirds the time. Here’s the real marvel of TiVo: You can skip anything you’re not interested in watching, which usually means offensive ads and endless network self-promotions.

I don’t mind TV commercials the first time. But when I have seen some inanely suggestive erectile dysfunction ad once, I’m not going to watch it three times in the same hour, six times in the same night and 200 more times over the next six months.

Do they think we’re idiots?

Well, actually

How many pickup truck commercials can a guy stand? Especially if he’s already got a perfectly good pickup sitting in the driveway? Do I really want to watch a singing stomach tell me about heartburn medication?

And then there’s the endless parade of network self-promotion of shows that I know I will never watch.

Does every network need a show about people swapping wives, losing weight, eating insects for money or getting liposuction to shape their buns?

And why are people continually teasing sharks? Last night, I saw a guy almost lose a leg, and ruin a perfectly good wet suit, after repeatedly poking a shark with a stick. After six months of surgery and physical rehab, the “brave” and “dedicated” shark “researcher” was back to poking sharks. The idiot.

But I digress.

In control

TiVo also allows me, with a click of a button, to pause a program when I need to take a phone call or wipe up the beverage I just knocked over while yelling at some politician.

It allows me to replay – frame by frame, if I want – crucial sports action. “Hey, did that U.S. Olympic rower just give the Bulgarian team the middle-finger salute?” (He did, by the way.)

And it allows me to go through a week’s worth of TV and HBO movies and record the ones I might want to watch later.

But how in the world does TiVo make TV like a newspaper? It’s self-edited.

With a newspaper, you read the stories you want to read. You read them when you want to read them. You zero in on pickup truck ads when you need a pickup. You can put it down and then pick it up and resume reading after an interruption. You can go back and reread something twice to make sure you’ve got it.

TiVo puts you in control.

No, TiVo isn’t perfect. You can’t clip it and put it on your fridge or send a letter to the Village Idiot (editor) advising him to drop dead and move to Canada – in that order.

By the way, I can assure you that my final move will be to someplace where it’s always hot, and I’m so looking forward to meeting George W. Bush when I get there.

That’s right. Got my eye on a little ranchero in Crawford, Texas.

Rex Rhoades is executive editor of the Sun Journal. Readers should know that his opinions – like those of all columnists on these pages – are not intended to reflect those of the newspaper’s owners, employees or carriers. E-mail him at: [email protected].