One of these days, Paramount. Pow! Right in the kisser.

The almost-all-remake, almost-all-the-time studio delivers the worst of its current onslaught of updates with “The Honeymooners,” a dim and dull morsel that’s a true act of disrespect to the memories of Jackie Gleason and Art Carney.

Cedric the Entertainer, Mike Epps, Gabrielle Union and Regina Hall are cast adrift in an absolute snoozer virtually devoid of laughs.

Director John Schultz and his collaborators were well-intentioned, holding to a goodhearted story that avoids the sewer humor pervading many comedies. But they were unable to dream up the slightest hint of wit.

The screenplay is credited to four writers who got their start in TV sitcoms or sketch comedy. Unsurprisingly, the result is a movie that comes off as a string of clumsily connected skits that would play to listless effect on the small screen; the big screen simply magnifies the lack of humor.

With his ability to play loud, loutish and lovable at the same time, Cedric was as good a choice as any to resurrect blowhard Ralph Kramden, a New York City bus driver who endlessly concocts harebrained get-rich-quick schemes when he’s not busy bickering with wife Alice (Union).

The Kramdens’ best friends -sewer worker Ed Norton (Epps) and bubbly wife Trixie (Hall) – live upstairs in their cramped, noisy tenement building.

Alice and Trixie dream of a place of their own, but their plan to buy a spacious duplex is endangered by Ralph, who squanders the Kramdens’ share of the down payment on his latest boneheaded ploy.

Ralph and Ed then pin their hopes on a speedy greyhound abandoned in a trash bin, entering the dog in a race with a $20,000 purse.

John Leguizamo ebulliently assaults his role as a manic con man who signs on to train the dog.

Eric Stoltz, who co-starred in an indie film by director Schultz, may have signed on as a favor to play a sleazy developer competing for the duplex Alice and Trixie want to buy. It was no favor to Stoltz, who stiffly lumbers through a role so bland his presence barely registers.

The most infuriating thing about the movie is that the lead quartet is fairly good together. Cedric’s properly boorish and brazen, Union’s a strong foil to his stridency, Epps is goofily Norton-ish and Hall’s a sweet ditz. Give them some funny lines and situations and they could have delivered.

With today’s political correctness in mind, the filmmakers heavily strip “The Honeymooners” of the over-the-top domestic unrest that was a strong point of the TV show. By neutering Ralph’s temper and Alice’s fiery responses, the uniqueness of “The Honeymooners” is lost.

“The Honeymooners,” a Paramount release, is rated PG-13 for some innuendo and rude humor. Running time: 89 minutes. One and a half stars out of four.


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