DEAR ABBY: As far back as I can remember, my family has been in turmoil over spousal abuse, bitter sibling rivalries, and worse. Not surprisingly, I entered into a relationship with an abuser. My father’s advice: “Go back, take your beating, and give that baby a home!”

Years later, after issues of childhood sexual abuse came up, I made a near total break. I have spent years in therapy, learning to protect myself and my child.

My family worships the god of respectability and public appearances. Despite years of spousal abuse, my mother has supported my father completely.

When Dad was near death, I made a final visit with my 7- year-old daughter and a support person. Abby, as my daughter played her violin for “Grandpa,” he exposed himself to her. I attended his funeral for my mother’s sake – another mistake. My daughter was snubbed by her cousins and I was verbally attacked by an aunt.

In recent years, I limited our contact with my family. Mother’s health is now failing, and she’s in severe pain. I wish her no more suffering, but the situation hasn’t changed. Do you think I should attend her funeral, or mourn privately for her passing? – WANTS TO DO WHAT’S RIGHT

DEAR WANTS: Do what is right for you and your daughter, and discuss the ramifications of attending your mother’s funeral with your therapist. Funerals sometimes bring out the worst in people, and from your description of them, your family could serve as poster models for dysfunction. If you feel the need to pay your respects, as far as I’m concerned, you and your daughter can visit her grave the following day. I see no reason to set yourself up for any further demonstrations of hostility.



DEAR ABBY: I’m a senior in high school, the oldest of three children. My 14-year-old brother, “Adam,” is causing our whole family grief. My parents can no longer control him and they’re lost as to what to do. Although Adam is still in junior high, he stays out until nearly midnight almost every night.

Dad and Mom commute two hours to work five days a week. They’re physically and emotionally tired from worrying and waiting for him every night. Adam threatens to hurt us physically because he’s the strongest person in the family. He won’t listen to any of us and becomes furious if we ask where he spent the day. I’m writing this on behalf of my parents, because it hurts me to see the pain my brother is causing them. – WORRIED SISTER IN SAN JOSE

DEAR WORRIED SISTER: Your brother’s behavior is a cry for help. It’s essential that your parents stop ignoring it and assert themselves. Most cities have a curfew for youth, and your brother may be breaking the law.

Your parents need to find out whether his problem is anger, drugs, hanging with the wrong crowd, emotional problems, etc. One of them may have to cut back on working/commuting for a while to assure that he can get counseling and supervision.

Under no circumstances should intimidation or violence be tolerated. Please tell your parents to consult their doctor for referral to a mental health professional for your brother, and possible family counseling for all of you.



Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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