DEAR ABBY: My beautiful, intelligent 18-year-old daughter, “Lara,” has just completed her first year of college. She’s attending school out of state in the same city where her father, “Grant” – my ex – is living.

Abby, Grant left when Lara was 5 months old. He left us for his sister, with whom he had been having an affair, because she told him she was pregnant with his child. The divorce was very hard on us, and my daughter has been in counseling for years – including at the college.

Lara spends her holidays with her father, her aunt and their two children. She’s aware of the incestuous relationship and vents a lot of anger at me for the rough time we’ve had. In the past, Lara’s therapists have told me she directs her anger at me because “she can’t get angry at the person she should really be angry at – her father.”

My daughter refuses to tell her current therapist about the incestuous relationship because she’s afraid it will be reported to the authorities and the children will be taken away. The sister bought Lara a car and a cell phone, and pays the phone bill, car insurance and some of Lara’s other expenses. I suspect the thought of losing the car and cell phone have something to do with my daughter’s hesitation to level with her therapist.

How can I get Lara to stop abusing me because of her repressed anger at her father? – LOVING MOTHER IN ALABAMA

DEAR LOVING MOTHER: The most effective way to stop someone from abusing you is to quit tolerating it. The next time your daughter becomes abusive, inform her that you do not deserve to be treated that way and will not listen. Tell her that unless she is willing to level with her therapist, she might as well quit because it’s a waste of everyone’s time. Say it in as loving a tone as you can, and do not raise your voice. Then politely end the conversation. You have suffered enough.

DEAR ABBY: Would you please suggest to teenage baby sitters or young houseguests that they ask permission from the homeowner about using their computer before just jumping on it?

We recently hired a lovely young lady to baby-sit our son. I didn’t think to mention that she should stay off our computer because it contains sensitive personal and business data. Our son later informed us that she had been on the computer even while he was still awake. That’s not what we pay her for. Parents should instruct their teenagers that other people’s home computers are off-limits. – FURIOUS IN MINNESOTA

DEAR FURIOUS: I have a better idea. Owners of home computers with “sensitive” information on them should install a password to prevent the kind of activity you have described. And if I were you, I’d find a more mature baby sitter with a more professional attitude than that “lovely young lady” – because while she was on your computer, she was neglecting your son.

DEAR ABBY: I have never seen this addressed in your column before. When conversing with someone who has a severe stutter, is it impolite to help the person finish his or her sentence? I am in the customer service industry. If I know the word the customer is trying to say, is it OK to help – or should I let the speaker finish on his or her own? – WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR WANTS: Although your impulse to be helpful is noble, it is impolite to interrupt others when they are talking. The polite way to handle the situation is to allow the person to finish the sentence.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.