More and more of the couples I see are not in need of long term therapy, they are more in need of a short term relationship tune up. Here are a few questions to ask yourselves.
• What first attracted you to each other?
It helps to be reminded that your partner has some great qualities that led you to want to be in this relationship.
• What are some of the strengths of your relationship?
What can you build on in order to solve the problems with which you are struggling?
• When have you been the closest?
One of the easiest ways to tune up your relationship is to do the things you were doing when you were the closest.
You may have noticed that the first 3 questions were all focused on positives in the relationship. One of the dangers of traditional marriage counseling is a focus on what is wrong or defective with an individual or the relationship. One of the many benefits of relationship coaching is a focus on using the strengths in the relationship to build up the areas where the relationship is weak.
• What are your partner’s emotional needs and what are your own?
Know the emotional needs of your partner and what to do to meet them. If you do not know, here are the two crucial questions to ask:
1) In order to feel loved by me, what do you need to feel in our relationship?
2) What are some ways I can meet those needs?
• What is your partner’s love language and what is yours?
Some folks need to hear it, some folks need to see it, and some folks need to feel it.
• How do the two of you handle conflict?
There are four basic ways to handle conflict:
1) Combat – When you are fighting in your relationship, you may win, but you win at the expense of the relationship.
2) Co-exist – Sometimes partners have to agree to disagree on certain issues. This works best when the issue is not a relationship breaker, such as the desire to have children.
3) Capitulate – There are times when an issue is very important to one person and of little importance to the other person.
4) Compromise – A good compromise occurs when both partners give a little and both partners get as many needs as possible.
Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist.
Comments are no longer available on this story