Please allow me to join the avalanche of praise being heaped upon Major League Baseball for finally cracking down on milk abusers.

If you haven’t heard the story of MLB’s courageous stand, here it is. A Florida Marlins batboy took a $500 dare from Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Brad Penny that he couldn’t drink a gallon of milk in less than an hour without throwing up.

According to the Associated Press, the batboy downed the gallon in less than an hour, but he couldn’t keep it down. The Marlins GM then called the batboy into his office and the conversation went like this –

GM: Young man, what you just did is unacceptable behavior for someone associated with the game of baseball. You wanna drink some milk, huh? Well, I’ve got three gallons of milk right here, and I’m going to sit here and watch you drink that milk until you’re sick of it.

Bat boy: But sir, I already did that.

GM: Oh, that’s right. Well then, you’re suspended for six games. But you got off easy this time, mister.

Five minutes later, the GM called Penny into his office.

GM: Brad, we had to suspend the batboy for that little stunt he just pulled.

Penny: Aw, listen man. It’s not his fault. I told him I’d give him $500 if he didn’t throw up. Give the kid a break.

GM: No dice. Anyway, the reason I brought you in here was I was wondering if you were getting enough greenies in your locker before the game. You looked a little sluggish out there yesterday.

Penny: I don’t do barbiturates.

GM: You sure? Cuz you really look like you could use a little pick-me-up.

Penny: No thanks, man.

GM: All right. Don’t forget, you’re scheduled for a urine test Thursday. We can’t afford to lose you for 10 games.

A little advice for all of the bat boys out there. This is what happens when you don’t unionize. If you had a bulldog like Donald Fehr fighting for you, your colleague down in Miami wouldn’t have gotten so much as a slap on the wrist.

But now that Congress is threatening to take away baseball’s anti-trust exemption if Bud Selig doesn’t get tough on milk, the owners had to do something. And the batboys are dealing from a position of weakness.

Hopefully, our Congressional representatives will still take action and call Bud, a cadre of future Hall of Famers and some famous batboys to testify before one of their committees.

Just imagine the drama of Rafael Palmeiro, sporting an immaculate milk mustache, pointing at the committee and saying “I never used lactose, period.” Or the batboy from “The Natural” breaking down and sobbing as he denies allegations from Jose Canseco’s new book “Milked.”

I’d like to propose several probing questions for my Congressman to use in the hearings.

“Are you, or have you ever been associated with, someone who has osteoporosis?”

“Oreos or Chips Ahoy?”

“Have you ever spit milk through your nose?”

“How are your teeth?”

Hopefully, that will help our leaders get to the bottom of this scourge on America’s Pastime.

Randy Whitehouse is a staff writer. He can be reached by e-mail at [email protected]