Congratulations on getting married. You may have noticed by now that marriage changes things. Even if you knew each other for a long time or even lived together, getting married does change things.
Having said all that, here are a few tips for a great first year of marriage:
• The first bottom line of marriage is about the heart – what is in yours and how well you take care of the heart of your partner. In other words, you have just been given the heart of another person to take care of. Hold it gently.
• Many people enter marriage listening to radio station WIIFM – What’s In It For Me? Not the best way to begin a marriage. Marriage is actually about service. When two people commit to serving each other, you have created a solid foundation for a great place to come home to.
• One of the things you have done is to create an entirely new “social unit” – your own little family. Circle the wagons. Place an imaginary yet very real boundary around the two of you. Other people, (friends, family, etc) may have a voice in how you do things, but you are the only two who get a vote.
• Begin your own traditions. Because you have created your own little family, you now get to decide how to do birthdays, holidays and special occasions. Do it your way as a couple, and not out of obligation or because that is the way the family you came from always did it before.
• The second bottom line of marriage is skill. Just because you know how to talk does not mean that you know how to communicate. In the same way, just because you have been in relationships before, does not mean that you know how to be married.
At no other time in history has there been so much information available for creating and living a great relationship.
Read books, go to seminars, hire a coach – do what it takes to get the support you need. Go to www.SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for tips you can use right away.
• Have fun together. Soon after the honeymoon comes real life: jobs, bills, chores, maybe even kids. It’s easy to get so caught up in all of this that you forget to enjoy each other. So make sure you have fun. Go on trips. Do things at the spur of the moment. Date. Sounds silly, but it is very very important to continue to date each other after you are married.
• Some of the most important words in marriage are “maybe you are right” and “let’s try it your way.” As a good friend of mine (a bachelor until he was 38) said to me after his first year of marriage: “I finally learned that the sun will come up tomorrow if we try it her way.”
Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist.
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