SEATTLE – Bosses. We love them, we hate them … but mostly we hate them. At least that’s the story from our readers, whose tales of awful bosses outnumbered good-boss stories 6 to 1. Perhaps these victims of screamers, control freaks and taskmasters have more of an urge to vent; or maybe we think complimenting the top dog is a job for toadies.
Or maybe there are a whole lot of bosses out there who need a reality check. They might want to take a lesson from the good-boss gems featured here, including a former deckhand for John Wayne (yes, that John Wayne).
These are the bosses – those who win workers’ hearts, minds and loyalties – that we love. For the rest, well, read on… .
BOW-FREAKIN’-WOW
“Sit!” she screamed. “You are a dog. As a dog, you do what dogs do – simple things. You also do everything that I tell you to and when I tell you to.”
“Stand!” she shrieked. My hands and legs are shaking. I slowly stand and lift my head. Facing me is a woman who looks like a large rabid animal.
“Get down on your hands and knees and pick up the tape!”
I obey without hesitation. It is safer on the ground. I work at a weekly magazine – the kind you find in any cafe or bar. I am an unpaid intern. It is my first job.
It’s now past midnight. The tips of my fingers are raw. I rise up from the four-legged humiliation and survey the clean floor.
The three other workers in the room stare at me in silence. The beast is returning from the bathroom. She swaggers in.
“I didn’t tell you to stand,” she sneered. “You are F-I-R-E-D!”
SHILLING FOR JESUS
I was approached by my shiny, new plastic boss with an offer to join him and his wife for a rousing evening at the theater.
As the weekend approached, my boss handed me the tickets and asked for $40.
The tickets had “church fund-raiser” printed across them. Holy Toledo, it was religious extortion!
After the play we were pressured to join his church. This has to be the Holy Grail of work related no-no’s. Who’s with me?
KINDNESS SAVED A ROOKIE
Many years ago, I was a newly commissioned Washington state trooper.
One day I had stopped by the district court to drop off some traffic tickets. I jumped out of the car, left the motor running.
When I returned, my marked State Patrol car was gone.
A few minutes later, I saw the sergeant, an imposing man, at the courthouse. I got up the nerve to tell him the car had been stolen. He suggested we go look for it.
As we drove through the parking lot, we spotted it in a corner, safe and locked up.
Sergeant tossed me the keys and said, “Don’t ever let this happen again,” and drove off.
At my next quarterly evaluation I expected to get an unacceptable rating, but the incident was never mentioned.
Great, great boss. I’ll never forget him.
MR. INSENSITIVE
One of our operations managers collapsed with a heart attack and was rushed to the hospital. My boss’s response was: “Did he get his paperwork done?”
EVERYBODY LOVES JANE
I’ll have to go with “Best Boss,” my supervisor, Jane Mooney.
She motivates, she inspires, she conspires, she entertains. And, with her team, always gets the job done.
Yesterday, upon hearing of a co-worker’s daughter’s cat dying, Jane whipped out a card in the midst of a deadline crush and wrote a condolence note to the little girl.
MEMORIES OF THE DUKE
The best boss I’ve ever had was actor John Wayne. At age 20, summer of 1976, I got the job as deckhand on his yacht.
Duke was a big, handsome, muscular man with a great sense of humor. I greatly admired his grit, his demeanor and his amazing generosity. (“No crew ate better than the crew of Wild Goose,” he’d say.) His cash tips to me at the end of a cruise were astounding.
I recall Bob Hope aboard in Victoria, B.C., laughing out loud; Dean Martin singing with a drink in his hand; Sammy Davis staying up all night requesting sandwiches from the galley.
Memories flood me now, and I will close with a salute to the boss who taught me that you get more done being a nice guy – but it never hurts to be rich and able to kick ass.
PARTY (ASTERISK)&$% POOPER
I worked as a product designer at Microsoft for over five years.
When one of our team members decided to work for another group, we held a little send-off party.
Our group manager grudgingly attended.
Near the end of the party, someone asked him to say a few words about the outgoing team member.
He stood up and said – and I quote – “I only have two words to say: (ASTERISK)% you!”
Before leaving the room, he turned around and said “And to anyone who didn’t hear that, just be glad you have a job!”
THE SLAVE DRIVER
We were told “to work as long as you need” – unpaid – to make our schedules.
I was called in on a Saturday morning. My boss slammed his fist on the table, demanding to know why I was only working 58 and not 60 hours a week.
He said I was “cheating the company out of those extra two hours” and accused me of not being a team player. He left at noon that day while the rest of us worked until 6 p.m.
HE BROUGHT FLOWERS
I was in a motorcycle accident the day before I was supposed to start this job. It was going to be a long recovery. I called my boss to tell him the news, figuring that I had just lost my dream job.
He showed up at the hospital with a card and flowers from him and the guys. He said that the job would be held for me!
WHAT’S A LITTLE TEAR GAS?
During the 1999 WTO riots (in Seattle), when I told my boss we were following police orders and leaving, he glared at me like I was the biggest shirker on the planet.
The next day I was feeling queasy from tear gas we’d encountered, so I worked at home.
The Tiny Terror was reportedly fuming at me and others who were so wimpy as to have been made sick by tear gas.
Every day I wake up and do the Snoopy dance that I’m not still there.
WHAT’S A LITTLE GUNFIRE?
I worked for a combined radio/TV station that shared a newsroom. One day while I was coming out of the newsroom, a paranoid schizophrenic put a gun to my head and demanded entry into the newsroom.
I somehow managed to keep her from shooting me. She did, however, kill someone on another floor who worked for another business.
That business sued my business, saying we were responsible for security. My testimony helped get my company dropped from that multimillion-dollar lawsuit.
One week later, I was called in and laid off.
Gosh, you’re welcome.
THE SADISTIC GUARD
None of us were allowed to leave our office or desk unless it was to go to the restroom or we were on lunch break.
We couldn’t walk around to stretch our legs; we couldn’t go to the office next door and chat.
One day my boss called me into his office. He wanted to know why I went to the ladies room so often. I jokingly said it was to socialize with the other employees.
He looked me in the eye and said that none of the other employees in the office liked me. The only person in the office that cared about me was him.
FOOTED THE TAB
While working for a small computer dealer, I and two co-workers put in extra long hours to complete an important project.
As a reward, my boss’s business partner offered to pay for a special night out for the three of us and our wives. We chose Ruth’s Chris Steak House.
With drinks, lobster dinners and two bottles of wine, the check was more than $600.
My boss’s face paled, but he didn’t balk at paying.
BOGEY MAN
As was his habit, my boss called in one morning to say that he’d be away from the office on city business.
Next day, when we cracked open our morning paper, who should we see? Our faithful old boss, who had evidently spent his work day at a local golf course.
This photo provided endless entertainment for his browbeaten staff. It took the city several more years to get rid of this schlub.
SO TIGHT THEY SQUEAKED
A small communications company I worked for had very cheap bosses.
They put duct tape over the thermostat to keep the heat at 65 degrees – in the winter.
Once in a while they would bring “treats” that usually consisted of a doughnut or two, maybe three, in which we could split between us. One day we all got to split a Venti drip coffee. Those were good times. …
HEART AND PATIENCE
When I entered the hospital one night in early January, I had no idea that I wouldn’t leave until March 30.
My boss made sure my medical insurance did not lapse. He visited me in the hospital – faithfully. He gave me time to heal, and to come back to work slowly and on my terms. He would carry my briefcase to my car.
He’s a boss with a heart and a soul – and they are worth keeping.
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