DEAR ABBY: My family and I have lived in this subdivision for 10 years. We are friendly with our neighbors. All of the children here play wonderfully together and are of various ages.

One of my neighbors, “Rachel,” and I were very close at one time, but we are recovering from a fallout involving her eldest daughter. We are trying to repair the friendship, but it has reached the point that I hate living here.

Rachel is jealous of anyone I spend time with if it’s not her. She is constantly out in her yard, and I feel like she watches everything I do and who comes and goes. When I spend time with other neighbors, she retaliates with rudeness and with negative, insulting comments and behavior.

How can I get across to her that although we may have been close friends at one time, we’re now only friendly neighbors? – WANTS TO MOVE IN OHIO

DEAR WANTS TO MOVE: It appears Rachel has emotionally regressed to the grammar school level, where children assume that if they are friends they “own” each other. I see no reason to issue any proclamations. Get your message across by continuing to have an active social life with neighbors you enjoy and ignoring her sulkiness. If she makes a nasty comment, tell her: “You know, sniping is a very unattractive trait. It makes me want to see less of you rather than more.”

DEAR ABBY: My elderly mother lives in a small efficiency apartment. Last year, my out-of-town siblings – all of whom live within 50 miles – visited her on Christmas Day with gifts she could not possibly use.

One sister brought a set of heavy crystal glasses. (Mother’s hands shake, and she uses a plastic drinking cup with a handle.) Another sister brought a silver tea service (which I had to pack in a closet for her). My brother brought her two pieces of heavy luggage (which took up all the room in a closet).

Mama no longer is up to entertaining, and all those expensive gifts were useless to her. She has tried “hinting” that she doesn’t need things like that, but they refuse to listen.

It would be so much more helpful if they would instead cook a meal for Mama, or stop by a restaurant and bring her a meal when they visit. She isn’t up to cooking, and a gift like that would not wind up packed away for the next generation.

When they visit, they usually stop by a restaurant and eat, but they never stop to consider that Mama would love a meal, too. I try to cook for her as often as I can, but I have a disabled child at home who is in and out of the hospital. When I do cook, I package meals for her that she can microwave and enjoy. What a help it would be if my siblings would do this.

Why don’t people stop and take into consideration how a person lives and what his or her needs are before buying a gift? Thanks for letting me vent. – CHRISTINE IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR CHRISTINE: It may be that doing what you suggest takes too much time and energy. Or, in the case of your siblings, the motivation for the expensive gifts may be guilt. You can’t change them, but I do recommend you remind them frequently how much your mother would appreciate it if they would bring her a nice meal when they visit. You’ll be doing them – and her – a favor.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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