There’s already too much stress during the holidays to get caught up in a fictional war’ on Christmas.

It’s December. Are we having fun yet?

It’s sad how the season of peace on Earth and goodwill toward men has become anything but.

And if you don’t believe it, try sitting in traffic outside the Maine Mall and looking at the faces of the people stuck in traffic around you.

They are angry. Tense. Stressed.

If that doesn’t appeal to you, turn around and drive home. Finding a place to park can get a guy killed. I once had my car keyed by a woman with two kids who felt I had unfairly beaten her to a parking spot. True story.

I tried to picture her and her two tykes singing Christmas carols as they vandalized my car. “Scratch the car with keys of Chevy, Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.” Now that’s the holiday spirit.

And if people are tense, it’s with good reason.

Everyone at work either is coming down with a cold or going out on vacation. There are presents to be purchased and crowds to fight. Snow and ice have turned the morning commute into a tense nightmare of sliding cars and fender benders.

Meanwhile, there are parties to attend. Baby sitters to schedule. Travel arrangements to make, and relatives who seem to think you can be in Presque Isle and Portland at the same time.

There are year-end reports your boss wanted yesterday, and the choir practice for the big Christmas Eve service.

The charge cards are smoking, the kids are crabby and the Christmas cookies, candy and flavored coffee you’ve been gulping at work have left your heart pounding and hands shaking.

You know what you need? A good artery throbbing, fist-clenching, scream-yourself-hoarse Christmas fight.

What about? Who cares?

Let’s see, what could we fight about?

Hey, see that sign on the store? “Happy Holidays!”

That’s it!

In case you haven’t heard, there’s a war on. No, not just in Iraq.

Right here at home. Christmas is under attack.

As if there are not enough things for Americans to hyperventilate about – things like taxes, abortion and gay marriages – we need one more.

As far as I can tell, there was no war until a TV gasbag declared one. Christmas, according to Fox News fulminator Bill O’Reilly, is under siege.

In an effort not to offend their customers, some retail stores advertise “holiday” sales rather than “Christmas” bargains.

You see, these retail capitalists are engaged in a subversive effort to kill the Christian observance of Christmas. I’m not quite sure why, since Christmas long ago morphed into a money-making bonanza for retailers.

And I’m not sure how.

But, trust the TV guy, Christmas is under attack. Everyone from President Bush on down is, apparently, in on the scheme. He and Laura had the nerve to send out Christmas cards wishing friends and contributors “Happy Holidays.”

This is, of course, complex, what with Christmas and Hanukkah on the same day, and Kwanzaa starting a day later. In an effort to be inclusive, the president and some retailers had lumped the three holidays together in their greetings and advertising.

Which leads me to wonder why anyone is offended by any effort to wish them a happy anything. “Hey, have a happy coronary bypass!” What’s not to like?

Most retailers the Sun Journal contacted last week had neatly sidestepped this made-up rhubarb. They tell their employees to wish customers whatever they want.

That sounds eminently reasonable to me.

Personally, I’ve always wished people a merry Christmas. However, because of this controversy, I’ve considered switching to something else.

“Have a merry Christmas slash Hanukkah slash Kwanzaa,” seemed a little unwieldy.

And, I considered combining my holidays, “Have a happy Chriszukka.”

I considered this one: “Have a merry Newtonmas.” This is an actual holiday celebrated on the 25th by the admirers of Isaac Newton, who was born on that date. But it really doesn’t roll off the tongue very neatly.

So, with a week to go until Christmas, I’ll leave you with a greeting suggested by a newsroom colleague:

“Have a happy!”

Whatever you’re doing, whatever you’re celebrating, wherever you’re going – just try to be happy.

And don’t sweat the stupid stuff.

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