DEAR ABBY: I recently retired and moved to a small town in Washington, where I began attending the local church. Last Sunday, a new assistant pastor was introduced along with his wife, “Millie.” Abby, Millie is the woman who broke up my marriage 10 years ago. It was so painful and ugly that I have never remarried.

Millie, on the other hand, appears to have “erased” from her biography two previous marriages, countless affairs (my husband was one), and a short stint in prison for drugs. She is now – and this is what irks me – teaching marriage classes. She does not recognize me. The last 10 years have been hard on me. I put on weight and stopped coloring my hair, among other things.

If Millie was just a member of the congregation, I could forgive her past sins. But Millie is lying to everyone – maybe even her clueless husband. Should I stay quiet and watch this farce, inform the senior pastor, or drive 30 minutes to attend another church? (And yes, I’m sure it’s her. There’s no doubt about it.) – HATES HYPOCRITES IN WASHINGTON

DEAR HATES HYPOCRITES: Have you considered that Millie may have realized the error of her ways and found God in prison? It is also possible that her husband is aware of her past. As to her fitness to teach marriage classes – one thing is certain, she knows firsthand where the pitfalls are.

Rather than seeking revenge, it would be better for your own soul if you change churches. But before you go, walk up to Millie and introduce yourself. I’ll bet she’ll be surprised to see how the past has come full circle. Then go on and start living your life fully again, and that includes getting professional counseling so you can heal and learn to trust again, and enjoy your life to the maximum that it’s possible.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 32-year-old woman who has recently enlisted in the Navy Reserves and would like to go into the Navy full time. The problem is I’m still living with my mother. Mom is “difficult.” She refuses to take care of herself and have yearly physicals, exercise, eat right, etc. She doesn’t want to go out anywhere, socialize or do much beyond watch television. She was diagnosed with breast cancer a while back, but she has had treatment and is doing fine now.

I don’t want to feel guilty that I’m not taking care of my mother because she refuses to do things for herself and take care of her basic needs, when in reality she can. I want to have a life without having to worry about her all the time. I am taking the Navy one day at a time to make sure that going full time is what I want. Have you any suggestions about what I should do? – MY MOTHER’S KEEPER IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR MOTHER’S KEEPER: You didn’t mention whether your mother has always been this way or if she became this way after her cancer diagnosis, but her extreme dependency and passivity could be a sign of depression. (They could also be a technique that has always worked for her in manipulating people.) Your mother may need counseling, medication or both. And you need to live your own life. One way to ensure that would be to join the Navy. If you don’t cut the umbilical cord now, you may never be able to.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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