Gather ‘round for the airing of grievances concerning all the members of the TV family who let us down in 2005.
We’re disappointed with …
Cookie Monster, for participating in the politically correct fraud that is the new “Sesame Street” healthy eating campaign. For 35 years “C” was for cookie, and that was good enough for us. All of a sudden, we were supposed to believe you’d rather be eating carrots or broccoli or boiled fish? Monster, please.
The executives of E!, for picking “The Simple Life” up off the scrap heap and continuing Paris’ unfortunate moment in the spotlight. What, you’re too good for Tara Reid, but Paris and Nicole are acceptable?
Dave Chappelle, for bugging out to Africa before he could come close to finishing the third season of “Chappelle’s Show.” To quote Lil Jon, “WHAT?”
Ray Romano and Phil Rosenthal, for ending “Everybody Loves Raymond.” Sure, your finale was one of the best sitcom swan songs ever, but now that you’re gone, who will make us laugh? Freddie Prinze Jr.?
“My Name Is Earl,” for making its title character’s criminal past so much livelier and funnier than his do-gooder present. Speaking of flashbacks, we’re also disappointed in …
“Lost,” for having the opposite problem. Fans want to know what’s happening on the island right now, and the show’s increasingly reductive, flabby flashbacks get in the way while telling us stuff we already knew. And …
“Lost,” for using any excuse possible to not move the plot forward, from showing the standoff in the hatch three different ways in three straight episodes to having Michelle Rodriguez’s Ana-Lucia angrily shout down any questions that might clarify what happened to the passengers in the tail section. And …
“Lost,” for the producers’ phony indignant response to all the complaints about the first-season finale, which promised to reveal what was in the hatch, then faded out without showing us anything.
“The Amazing Race,” for wasting a season on the lame “Family Edition” concept, which featured too many contestants and too much time spent within the continental United States. If we wanted to see someone cross the Delaware, we’d pile into the Munchmobile and do it ourselves.
Stephenie LaGrossa, for coming back to “Survivor” a second time and promptly erasing whatever goodwill she’d earned losing so gracefully the first time around.
Ricky Gervais, for following up the amazing “The Office” with the just-OK “Extras,” another in a seemingly endless line of HBO inside-show-biz comedies. Everyone feared the American “Office” would be a disaster; instead, it’s been consistently funnier than “Extras.”
Powerful live TV buffs, for using their network clout to force us to sit through very un-special episodes of “Will and Grace” and “The West Wing.”
David Letterman, for finally luring Oprah Winfrey onto his show and then fawning over her like Rosie O’Donnell interviewing Tom Cruise. And …
Oprah, for not smacking some sense into Cruise while he was bouncing up and down on that couch. (She can make up for it by hiring a deprogrammer to rescue Katie.)
CBS’ reality show division, for airing “The Will,” a despicable, badly produced show about an aging millionaire’s relatives competing to inherit his beloved ranch. Only one episode aired before the network came to its senses and canceled the thing, but it was one too many.
CNN, for overreacting to Fox News Channel’s ratings success by encouraging local news-ish stunts, and …
CNN, for joining the vogue for missing persons melodramas, and …
CNN, for putting lynch mob harpy Nancy Grace at the center of “Headline News,” and …
CNN, for simultaneously injuring the careers of Aaron Brown and Anderson Cooper by dumping the former and seizing on the latter’s raw, real Katrina moment to package him as a wet-eyed, navel-gazing parody of an anchorman.
Bill O’Reilly, for misusing his considerable power to promote the idea of a “war on Christmas,” writing himself a fake angry letter on the subject so he could repudiate it in a mailbag segment, calling for a boycott of supposed Christmas-hating retailers on his radio show in weaselly language designed to let him deny he was calling for a boycott, and otherwise giving a divided, exhausted nation one more thing to squabble over. He’s become a parody of a parody of himself; Stephen Colbert without the jokes.
“Empire Falls,” for wasting great source material (the Pulitzer Prize-winning novel by Richard Russo, who also wrote the script) and an almost perfect cast (minus Helen Hunt) on a mediocre adaptation. Ed Harris, Paul Newman and company hit most of the novel’s notes, but where was the music?
Fictionalized biographies of Pope John Paul II on ABC and CBS, for making one of the 20th century’s most influential, controversial, fascinating men as bland and safe as those descriptions of presidents that American public school children still snooze through.
Pat O’Brien, for leaving drunken voicemail messages that have rooted in our brains like skunkweed. And let’s not forget …
Dr. Phil, for participating in O’Brien’s on-air intervention and rooting O’Brien’s exhortations even deeper in our minds by playing those voicemails yet again.
VH1, for continuing to enable alcoholic, steroid-abusing, self-pitying fame junkie Danny Bonaduce with his reality show “Breaking Bonaduce” – and for going ahead with the project even after Bonaduce slit his wrists halfway through filming.
Bravo’s “Being Bobby Brown,” for trying to make Bobby so cuddly and safe that he made the “Osbournes” version of Ozzy look like the ‘70s version of Ozzy.
NBC, for allowing executive Jeff Zucker to fail his way up the corporate ladder after he left the network’s prime-time schedule in ruins. Also for benching “Scrubs” while letting “Joey” jack up one bad joke after another for months.
And finally, “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” for cranking out episode after episode this year that felt like the product of a “Curb Your Enthusiasm” plot-generating software program. Yes, the finale was great, but not great enough to erase a season’s worth of sighs.
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