In general, relationship issues can be divided into two categories: solvable and unsolvable.
Solvable relationship problems are generally related to the needs you have in a relationship. An unmet need leads to a problem or issue. Some relationship needs are emotional needs and some are called functional needs. An emotional need is what you need in order to feel loved in a relationship. A functional need is what you need for your life to work in a way that fits for you while in a relationship.
The good news is that needs are negotiable, and there are lots of ways to meet a need. Still, meeting needs is very important, and is the difference between being happy or unhappy in a relationship.
Unsolvable relationship problems are generally related to your requirements. These requirements have to be met in order for a relationship to work. The problem is that we often treat our requirements as factors that are negotiable. They are not. Or we go into a relationship where we know an important factor does not exist, yet rationalize that somehow this will change after marriage.
There are several ways to handle an unsolvable relationship problem. You could:
Leave the relationship. This is the most common alternative chosen, and the reason for our high divorce rate.
Stay in the relationship and be unhappy. Many couples stay together and are miserable for many years. They are going to live out “til death do us part,” hoping the other person goes soon enough to be able to enjoy a little bit of life. I believe this is when people begin to die on the inside.
Let go of the problem. It is possible to simply let go of the problem. People do this when they realize the relationship is more important than their requirement, or they grow past the requirement. You have to make sure, however, that you can let go of the problem or requirement without “committing personality suicide.”
Compromise. When you compromise you give up some of what you need, while still getting some of what you need in order to meet in the middle. One of the most difficult parts of this choice is being able to see the options that are available. This can be a good time to hire a counselor or relationship coach to help you examine the options creatively and objectively and negotiate something that works for both of you, and is sustainable in the long run.
Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist.
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