Four couples believe trust, communication, caring – even disagreements now and then – are key to a happy marriage.
Cupid works hard to help us fall in love. Sometimes he gets discouraged and unions fall apart. Thankfully, though, there are great marriages all around us. In honor of Valentine’s Day, we went to the experts, couples known to have a strong partnership for more than 10 years, and asked them to share their secrets for a happy marriage.
Each of the four couples interviewed spoke of an easy compatibility from the beginning of the relationship, which was apparent as they talked about their history together. Each of the women has a strong identity that her husband treasures. And every man spoke of being committed, and honoring that commitment.
Gentleness wins her over
Bob and Pat Sokolowski of Leeds saw each other across a crowded dance floor and fell in love. Pat had her hair up and was dressed to the nines that night.
Then, when Bob went to pick her up for their first date, Pat’s hair was down and she was dressed casually. When she answered the door, Bob asked for her sister. Pat explained that she was “the sister.”
They married when Pat was 19 and Bob 22. Pat knew they were very young but, she said, “His gentleness and concern for my well-being won me over.”
Their marriage had a rocky start. Bob felt the effects of pneumonia at the wedding ceremony. Then, at the reception, his boss said, “Oh, by the way, I’m dissolving the company.” Pat had quit her job because she was moving in with Bob and the commute was too long. So they found themselves starting their marriage jobless.
But love prevailed, along with health and employment, and after 12 years in New York City, they moved to Maine. Pat, very in touch with her intuition, said the move “just fell into place and was meant to be.” Here, they raised their three daughters and now, after 40 years of marriage, enjoy their grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
“We brought out the best in each other. He gave me a secure feeling. I had had recurring dreams around insecurity, and they stopped after we were married. It was like a feeling of being complete,” Pat said.
Bob and Pat love to camp in their RV at Beaver Brook in North Monmouth as well as at other nearby campgrounds – together and with their growing family.
Bob and Pat Sokolowski’s secrets:
1. Communication. No matter what the problem is, it’s better to talk about it than to let it fester.
2. Letting one another know how you feel every single day. Each person needs to know the other cares, every day. Do not take the other person for granted.
3. Let each other be himself or herself. Don’t put on pretenses. Don’t act in ways you don’t feel, and don’t try to change the other person.
4. Disagreements are healthy. They help clear the air, get out what people are holding in and help you understand what the other person is feeling.
5. Little things mean so much. “I just love that he turns on the porch light for me when I come home from work,” Pat said. “It means he’s thinking of me enough to get up and do that.”
Musicians take note of each other
Jeff and Valerie Chipman of Lisbon met on a piano bench. They were in college at the time, both majoring in music, and Jeff’s jazz band was in need of someone who could read music expertly to fill in while he and others improvised. Valerie was recommended, and Jeff sat beside her at the piano as he showed her what she needed to do. She was interested in him right way, Valerie admitted, and, in fact, she broke up with her then-boyfriend to see where something with Jeff might lead.
It gradually led to marriage.
Their wedding ceremony was plagued by illness. Valerie had four infected wisdom teeth. Jeff had the flu. Jeff’s mother had a broken leg. Jeff’s aunt had a broken jaw, and Valerie’s uncle had a slipped disc.
Today, 22 years later, Jeff and Valerie have two healthy daughters, one in high school and the other in college. Music has remained the thread woven through their lives, their marriage and their family. Someone is always playing an instrument and singing, often together. Instruments line their living room, on the walls and on the floor. Jeff and his brother have formed the Chipman Brothers Espresso Band, with Jeff on the keyboard and Andy on bass. Valerie gives private piano and voice lessons at home and has led choirs in two churches.
Jeff and Valerie Chipman’s secrets:
1. “We’re reasonable people.” It’s important to talk things out and not go to bed angry. “I don’t want to waste my time being mad,” Valerie said. They are polite to each other and don’t take each other for granted or “tease too far.” They say “please” and “thank you” often in their household and appreciate the chores each one does around the home.
2. Trust. Jeff has usually been in a band, which means he’s gone many nights. They learned mutual trust early on in their relationship.
3. Humor. They laugh together often and amuse each other.
4. Decide what you want before you get married, then work toward common goals.
5. The children, the family unit and shared religion are all important to them.
6. Creativity is the underpinning of this marriage and family, finding form in most kinds of music as well as cabinetmaking for Jeff and stained-glass work for Valerie.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T is crucial
David and Polly Footer of Lewiston met on a city bus. Polly was getting off and asked the bus driver how to get to Walton Field. David, who was behind her, had admired her from afar and said he’d show her. As they walked from the Peck Building in downtown Lewiston over the Androscoggin River to New Auburn, he told her that he was going to become a world-famous taxidermist and that he was going to marry her.
They had some rocky moments in their early romance. Polly threw David’s class ring at him. (He found it a year later in a snowbank.) At issue was the fact Polly had gone over to talk to her cousins at a party. David became jealous and said she should stay right at his side. Polly let him know otherwise. “I’ve always been honest with him, and it caused a lot of rifts at first,” Polly said.
As David pursued Polly and urged marriage, she made it clear that she was going to finish high school and graduate. “I made him promise that he would not interfere with me doing anything I would have done if I were single,” Polly said. David promised and kept his word. “He even took off work to take me to the beauty salon for my graduation day,” recalled Polly, who was the first to graduate from Lewiston High School as a married woman. School officials weren’t quite sure how to handle that and had her walk down the aisle with another female rather than with a male.
David’s love for travel and for taxidermy, specifically fish taxidermy, often took him into the wilds of northern Quebec and to Labrador. On their honeymoon, David took Polly to New York City and later on a few trips into the Canadian wilderness. Polly accepted his need to travel for his job, especially a month or two each summer, and trust became a very important part of their marriage. Polly thoroughly enjoyed hearing about David’s adventures in the wild, and he made sure to give her all his attention upon his return.
David’s predictions the day he met Polly have come true. They have been husband and wife for more than half a century, and he has become a well-known taxidermist. He is in constant demand in the summer as an artist, taxidermist and guide in Labrador. He is also a respected stone mason. Along with her own work, Polly has helped David realize his goals and dreams, and she is very proud of him.
David and Polly Footer’s secrets:
1. Give each other freedom, along with trust, respect and honesty. “Before I fell in love with him, I respected him,” Polly said.
2. Setting goals and working hard to reach them.
3. Marriage Encounter Group. They both credit this support and social group they belonged to for 20 years for saving their marriage when they had a house full of teenagers. It also helped them focus on their love for each other.
4. Take care of each other. They’ve nursed each other during periods of illness and now that Polly has pervasive arthritis, David reads Danielle Steele novels to her, which he enjoys as much as she does. “That’s the only other woman in my life,” he says. “Through her characters, I’ve realized I regret not being present for the birth of every one of our children.”
Enjoying the freedom to travel
Bob and Maddy Ouellette of Auburn met while he was dating her sister. Thankfully, everyone saw that Bob and Maddy would make a better match. This is the second marriage for both, and each has children and grandchildren who play an important part in their life together.
Maddy’s big, loving heart won Bob over. When they started dating, Bob’s mother was ill. Maddy simply started cooking for her, spent time visiting her, drove her places and became her friend. Bob was impressed that Maddy would do all that for someone she had just met. Apparently, doing nice things for people comes naturally to Maddy. When people come over to the house so Bob can do their taxes, she ends up cooking for them and often shows them how to prepare whatever dish she just served.
Bob and Maddy both value keeping life simple and upbeat. And they love to travel. “For four months a year, we are stranded at home while Bob does taxes,” Maddy said, and then they take off – enjoying the freedom their new retirement affords them.
They visit Bob’s daughter in Massachusetts and happily baby-sit for the grandchildren. They visit Maddy’s son in North Carolina and see more grandchildren. They visit Maddy’s disabled sister in Florida, making sure she has enough food and household items stocked in her cupboards. They see Maddy’s granddaughter, a working single parent, also in Florida, and help her with a few extras around the house. They also visit Maddy’s sister in Kentucky, where the couple relax and catch up on all the family news. Maddy likes to come home by way of the Amish country in Pennsylvania.
Asked if it’s challenging to be on the road together for a long time, they both answered, no, without hesitation. That’s not surprising considering they are a couple so in sync with each other that they often finish each other’s sentences. “He lets me drive when I get too nervous,” Maddy said. “I drove us home from Alaska once, all the way down through British Columbia.”
Both Bob and Maddy have huge personalities. They love groups and have made a growing number of friends traveling and camping in the summer and autumn months all over Maine and eastern Canada.
Bob and Maddy Ouellette’s secrets:
1. Love and respect for each other, and for each other’s children and grandchildren. Many family members have lived with them throughout the years, and they feel connected to them all.
2. Religion is very important to both of them. They attend church together and often share and discuss readings.
3. Neither stays mad, neither holds grudges.
4. Keep life simple and upbeat.
As I was sitting in the café area of L. L. Bean’s Freeport store, working on this article while waiting for a friend to shop, a Massachusetts couple sitting across the counter asked what I was writing. When I explained, the woman immediately said, “Honesty and communication. Honesty from the first day and keep the communication up.” The husband quietly added, “Be committed, and keep at it.” They’ve been married 35 years and have two adult children.
Apparently, Cupid is happy and encouraged this Valentine’s Day.
Comments are no longer available on this story