(KRT) – “Trash Talk” looks at the week’s tabloids, so you don’t have to.

What made the cover:

• “World exclusive: Tom and Katie MARRIED ALREADY … Secret SCIENTOLOGY wedding on a yacht! All the DETAILS… the rings, the vows and CELEBRITY guests!” ( The National Enquirer)

• “ATLANTIS FOUND … It’s not in the sea! Explorer finds secret city swept UP into the Alps” (Weekly World News)

Well, this is just shocking:

• “18-year-old romancing the ‘Stone’ … 62-year-old rocker (Mick Jagger) dating hot young model” (Globe)

But where does he stand on medicare?

• “Senator Dracula? Vampire threatens to unseat Hillary (Clinton) … ‘What this nation needs is new political blood!”‘ (Weekly World News)

“I don’t have time to exercise” is no longer an excuse:

• “SLEEP RUNNING … ‘By sleeping through my workouts I get all the benefits of exercise without any of the discomfort”‘ (Weekly World News)

Michael Jackson train-wreck-of-the-week:

• “Jacko ‘bought’ his kids! – and MORE SHOCKERS … Author says Jackson brother’s claims in tell-all book sparked vicious feud” (Globe)

Another good reason to sleep in:

• “‘The Dawn Zone’ … TV show explores the eerie and mysterious things that occur when the sun rises” (Weekly World News)

No, i can’t come back to work until the computer is healthy again:

• “The computer is down… WITH A HUMAN VIRUS!” (Weekly World News)

I thought it would be an addiction to lip injections:

• “World exclusive: Melanie Griffith’s shocking confession! ‘I’m an alcoholic, major drug addict and pill popper’ … Actress back in AA after relapse with 30-year fight with demons” (The National Enquirer)