I needed a good old-person gift.

There’s a great-aunt who’s reached a birthday milestone with her humor and soft, pink, wrinkly cheeks intact and there’s a surprise party this weekend. Shh.

So Bag Lady set out shopping with a mission.

For something maybe sparkly. Maybe with cats. Maybe knit. And definitely small enough to fit inside her teeny old-person condo. Some challenge.

Pay attention: Turns out you’ll need a good old-person gift or two soon, too. Sept. 10 is Grandparents Day.

There are, says the U.S. Census, 56 million grandparents out there.

There are also, says Hallmark, 3 million cards sent in honor of Grandparents Day. Abysmal showing. Clearly, the holiday needs some respect. Perhaps a spokesman. If only Celine Dion were available.

A few great-aunt gift contenders:

• Village Bakeware collection by Park Designs, Specialty Gifts at the Auburn Mall, $18.99-$29.00

Apt for the queen of the kitchen at any age. Thick bakeware with scalloped edges and gorgeous braided handles, in glazes like apple green, red and cream.

• Signature 1,000 old-school puzzles by Buffalo Games Inc., Emily’s Cards and Maine Gifts, $15.50

In prints like Norman Rockwell’s Saturday Evening Post and Walt Disney’s Mickey Mouse as Steamboat Willie, nice way to pass the time with company or self-entertain. Bonus: She’ll get a workout when the cat knocks all the pieces off the table. Good for the knees.

• “Socks to stay home in” by Delicates, JCPenney, $4.99 on sale

Like chocolate for the feet. So amazingly soft, with a good tight knit, anklet or mid-calf length, in raspberry, sky blue, tan and pink. Bag Lady could have stood there stroking these socks all day. But then people might think that was weird.

• Cuisinart easy-grip cookie sheet, TJ Maxx, $9.99

With big, sturdy, silicone handles. Spend an afternoon together making cookies and swapping stories. Like how you used to dream of being a stockbroker or how she once outran the French Foreign Legion. The more swashbuckling the story, the better.

Best find: Blue, flute-edge bread baking dish by Chantal, TJ Maxx, $8.99

Pretty dish, and practical. Filled with a dozen Grant’s Bakery cookies and popped in a swank Dollar Tree Store gift bag, it’s a sweet little gift for under $17.

Think twice: Cleo New York denim jean purse, JCPenney, $24.50 on sale.

Take a pair of Size 0 pale blue jeans, belt ’em with something tacky – like gold lamé or silver sequin rope – cut them off just below the would-be microscopic butt, slap on a jean handle and voila: a purse for the taste and sight impaired. If she’s still got all her faculties, don’t do it.

Bag Lady’s dreaming of a….

OK, this is calendar creep at its worst: TJ Maxx and Dollar Tree Stores have Christmas decorations out for sale already. And with only 130-plus shopping days to go.

Makes me downright nostalgic for Ames and its rows of fake fir trees that used to sprout up every September. Feliz Navidad.