When a friend has lost a loved one, it’s hard to know what to say that will help and not hurt.

Mary Mitchell, an etiquette adviser at iVillage.com, says that after her mother died she didn’t remember a thing anybody said to her.

“What I do remember,” she says, “is that whoever spoke to me made the effort to reach out to me in some way.”

Jennifer Shontz, grief support specialist at Kansas City Hospice and Palliative Care, says simple and sincere is the best approach. “You don’t need to say much. “I’m so sorry’ is perfectly appropriate and will communicate to your friend that you’re thinking of them.”

Shontz says the list of things not to say is probably longer than the list of things to say.

“In our culture we fear death and feel awkward around those who are grieving a death,” Shontz says. “So often we try to fix the situation, to provide a solution. So we say things like, “You’ll feel better soon.’ But trying to make your friend’s pain go away actually discounts the depth and reality of her feelings. You need to validate her feelings, not try to help her put them aside.”

Shontz says if you feel awkward or don’t know what to say, don’t say anything, just show up.

“Be there for your friend,” she says. “Don’t say, “Call me if you need me.’ Tell them you’ll call them to check up on them. This says you’re committed to helping.”

Offer practical help. The first thing many people do is make a casserole and bring it to the home of the grieving family. Since there will likely be many such casseroles, you may want to offer to baby-sit or run errands instead. But offer help only if you can follow through if asked.

Finally, Shontz says, when a friend is grieving, listening empathetically may be the most important thing you can do. Let her tell you what she’s feeling, understanding that her emotions will likely be raw and strong and difficult to hear. Just sit with your friend. That will be enough.

Sources: iVillage.com, www.healthyplace.com, University of Michigan Comprehensive Cancer Center Grief and Loss Program: www.cancer.med.umich.edu/ clinic/coping.htm