“Hi there, how are you doing?”

“Great, thanks, how are you?”

“Just fine, thank you – uh, and you?”

Ugh. Pause. Uncomfortable silence. Crickets. Downward glance. Twiddling thumbs. Rising blood pressure. Now what?

Why does small talk have to be such a big cause of stress?

While some may be gifted with the ability to gab, many more feel uncomfortable with small talk, mingling, networking, “schmoozing,” what have you, be it at work, a party, the gym or the bar. But there are ways to keep the conversation going without feeling phony or betraying your personality.

Debra Fine is a former engineer who is now a professional speaker and author of “The Fine Art of Small Talk” (Hyperion, 2005), living in Colorado. She says small talk didn’t come naturally to her either. “I honestly had no clue how these people did this. My philosophy was that, if it didn’t come naturally, then you just didn’t do it. But now I know you can learn it.”

So why is small talk so difficult? Fine says it’s because the less gregarious of us are too self-concerned and only worried about our own comfort level.

“Most of us are afraid of rejection,” Fine says. “But you have to take the risk of talking to someone new. They may be in a bad mood or getting sued or something, but it’s up to you to take the risk.”

Also, if we take more of a burden of communication upon ourselves, it puts us more in control of the situation.

“I always used to hope that someone else would come up with something to talk about, but that’s unfair,” Fine says. “You have to take the burden of making everyone else feel comfortable. If someone asks you how you are doing and you say “Fine,’ that’s not enough. You have to give them something to work with.”

Here are 10 more tips from the experts on how to conquer small talk and actually learn to enjoy it.

1. ASK QUESTIONS. Ed Peters of 4Profit Institute in Arlington, Texas, has been a professional speaker for about 15 years. “When talking to someone one-on-one, you have one minute to find out everything about them. You have the rest of your life to tell them about you,” he says. “We immediately think that we have to do all the talking. But let the other person talk, or you may never have a chance later down the road to tell them about you.”

2. KEEP IT SIMPLE. “The most basic thing to do is keep things simple,” says David Erkel, a Dallas financial planner and member of Toastmasters. “Where are you from? What are your plans for the weekend? Stay away from tricky topics.”

3. BE VAGUE. If you don’t know the person well or haven’t seen them in a while, don’t assume they are still working for a specific company or they are still married, etc. Instead of “How’s the wife?” maybe ask “How’s the family?” Or instead of “How’s the job at the newspaper?” ask “What’s been going on with work?”

4. AVOID CONFLICT. “I’ve done a little bit of reading on communication and happiness, and one of the things I often come across, where people get into trouble, is when they insist on being right,” Erkel says. “About 99 percent of the time, being right doesn’t really matter. If someone says a car is a nice shade of blue, but it doesn’t look blue, there’s absolutely no reason to be right. It’s better not to take a position. Be agreeable.”

5. YOU DON’T HAVE TO SPILL YOUR GUTS. If you’re a private person, that’s OK. You can still engage in small talk and keep your private life just that, Erkel says. “You have a private life and a social life,” he says. “Small talk doesn’t mean that you’re opening up your personal life. You’re just navigating and socializing through any given day.”

6. FOCUS. It’s OK not to talk to everyone. If you get a good conversation going, then run with it and build that relationship. “In my experience it’s been much more valuable to have a good conversation with one person in a limited amount of time versus trying to talk to 20 or 30 people,” Erkel says.

7. LEARN TO LISTEN. Some people may not be the best talkers, and Peters says that there is a responsibility on you to get something out of the conversation. “Some people may have distracting mannerisms, or be all over the board, or be really boring,” he says. “But … I always try to find something that’s usable. If you walk away from them without understanding, that’s as much your fault as it was the speaker’s.”

8. TELL A STORY. While Peters encourages small talkers to do a lot of listening, inevitably someone is going to ask you a question.

“Don’t just say, “I had a great day.’ Tell them a story,” he says. “People love stories, be it something that happened at work or with the family. It’s more interesting than facts or statements.” It’s also a great way for people to remember you. “I can run into someone I met 10 years ago who won’t remember my name, but they’ll remember the story.”

9. WATCH YOUR BODY LANGUAGE. Uncross those arms. Look them straight in the eye. “Your body language will betray you if it doesn’t match your words,” Erkel says.

Peters also says that too much movement can distract the listener from what you are trying to say. “Gestures and movements should have meaning,” he adds. “Step forward to make a point, or step back and open your arms when you expect someone to react.”

10. PRACTICE. “If somebody’s bashful or not tremendously comfortable with small talk, make it a project or personal goal to improve,” Erkel says. “Continue to experiment with waiters, clerks in stores, etc. Set a goal to open up the door to conversation.”