LEWISTON – Dealing with the sudden loss of a family member is traumatic enough, but when that loss coincides with the holidays, it can intensify emotions that are the polar opposite of merry.

“During the holidays people are naturally sentimental, and when a family member is missing, it intensifies the sadness,” said Murielle Guay, a licensed clinical social worker in private practice who specializes in grief counseling. “This is when it’s most important to reach out, to extended family, friends, counselors for support.”

Guay said her heart goes out to the families of the six victims killed in a Christmas Eve accident in Poland. The tragedy was the latest in a series of recent accidents that previously had claimed the lives of a Sabbatus teenager, an Androscoggin County Sheriff’s Department deputy and a Paris teenager.

Those families and friends will likely revisit their losses for many Christmases to come, said Pamela Holland, a licensed clinical professional counselor with Tri-County Mental Health Services who is a certified grief counselor.

“It’s that much more difficult to cope with a loss at a time when other people want to celebrate,” said Holland. “I think we tend to forget that people who’ve had a loss at the holidays forever experience the anniversary of that loss … it never really goes away … it’s not a merry time for those people, it can rekindle a lot of pain.”

Holland advises people to be sensitive to those who are mourning the loss of a loved one, to offer support, but without the clichés. Since people experience grief differently and work through it at their own pace, it’s best not to provide advice or platitudes, but simply acknowledge their loss and offer to help.

“I recommend something like,’Even though I can’t know how difficult this is for you, I am here if you want to talk, and I respect how hard this time must be for you’ or similar words that you are comfortable with,” said Holland.

Guay and Holland said many families find ways to incorporate the memory of the loved one into a new holiday tradition – to keep their memories alive and integrated into the family tradition. Some families take turns telling fun or loving stories about the departed; others light candles or raise toasts to their memories; still others withdraw for private reflection and another puts up a small Christmas tree to honor the memory of a lost child. The tribute is deeply personal to each family.

Guay said the first holiday after the death of a family member is difficult, but that people are often still numb and filled with disbelief. It’s the second year, what Guay terms “the reality year,” when the magnitude of the loss hits home.

“That’s often when a family really begins to react, they can’t adjust, there’s anger, loss …” she said.

Both counselors recommend that extended family and friends be aware and offer as much support as possible. Professional counseling services can also be helpful, either in group therapy or individual sessions. The point is to let the grieving person express their feelings.

“In general, it’s really good when people who have a loss reach out and get support,” said Holland. “It’s not always a situation for long-term counseling, but listening, and being with someone who understands the grief process can help.”