In the early ’70s Carly Simon sang:

“But you say it’s time we moved in together

“And raised a family of our own, you and me

“Well, that’s the way I’ve always heard it should be…”

When you get down to the bottom line reasons, the sense that it is “just time” to commit and/or get married is the reason that many people get married. I’ve coached hundreds of singles and couples who got together because one or both of them felt the pressure from themselves and others to settle down and get committed or married.

To quote one of my relationship coaching clients, “I got married because I decided it was time to get married and this is the person I was with when I made this decision.”

The problem is that you commit as a result of timing, and not because you are well matched. This dating trap results in relationship failure because both people realize they are not aligned on their requirements and needs in a relationship.

Couples slowly come to the realization that they got married because it was time, not because it was this person.

The solution is to commit when you are ready to commit, as defined by: you are with someone whose values, requirements, needs and wants are in alignment with yours.

A requirement is a must-have, something that if it is not part of the relationship, the relationship will not work. An example would be having children or living in a certain location. There is no room for compromise or negotiation.

A need is almost as important as a requirement. The difference is that a need is negotiable as to when, where, how much, etc. It’s not a deal-breaker, but every time a need is not met it creates an issue that must be resolved. An example would be the need to have time to yourself.

A want is the icing on the cake. It’s not necessary, but it sure would be nice. An example would be that I would want and like someone I am with to like smooth jazz music, but it is not a must-have.

A good time to commit and or get married is when your relationship requirements, need and wants line up with the relationship requirements, need and wants of the person whom you are with.

You don’t have to live out the old Carly Simon song – you get to write your own when you so choose.

Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist.

E-mail him at jeffjeffherring.com or, for more tips and tools for living you can visit www.JeffHerringOnline.com.