It is a commonly held belief that couples who have been married a long time tend to “lose the spark.” But that does not happen only in older couples married a long time, it often happens to those who have not been married long.

Losing the spark – simply, falling out of love – is a natural phenomenon in long-term relationships. Most relationships experience an ebb and flow that is quite normal and to be expected. The problem is that most of us believe that we are supposed to fall in love and live “happily ever after.” In reality, there are times when you may not even like the person you are married to.

In the early part of a relationship, as well at in many different times throughout a relationship, couples experience fun, passion and excitement. Pay attention during these times to what you are doing that helps you to enjoy each other.

Then comes a stage when you are just sort of going through the motions of day-to-day living. Nothing is really wrong, at least nothing you can put your finger on. While you may still be having fun together, there just doesn’t seem to be much excitement or passion in the relationship. Many couples have described this stage to me as “it seems like we’re just roommates or something.”

Don’t panic, this can be very normal. Enjoy being friends. Remember and then do the things you did when you felt closest.

You may also experience a stage when you think such things as, “I wonder what it would be like to be single again” and “Who is this person I married?”

We are usually not well-prepared for these thoughts and feelings. A couple once told me the story of when the husband came to the wife and said the sometimes-ominous words, “I’m not sure I feel like being married anymore.” Potentially frightening words.

The wife, in her wisdom, was able to say, “Oh, is that all?” What she was able to do with her response was to normalize the situation. This allowed the couple to handle the situation as a normal part of married life.

Try not to make any major decisions during this stage. Remember that this can be a normal phase, and only a phase, of marriage. Remember that you don’t have to act on every feeling that comes up. It’s important to remember that these stages are all normal and will pass, as is the nature of stages.

Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist.

E-mail him at [email protected].