Noon, FSNE

This was a “heavyweight title fight.” In the same way that Paris Hilton is an “entertainer.”

PGA: Byron Nelson Championship, first round

3 p.m., The Golf Channel

There was no greater honor in golf than having a tournament named after you until the LPGA christened one after Jamie Farr.

Rodeo: World’s Toughest Cowboy

3 p.m., FSNE

Isn’t this like trying to find the smelliest guy in a hockey dressing room? I wouldn’t mess with any of ’em.

MLB: Red Sox at Orioles

7 p.m., NESN

Josh Beckett? 5-0? No freaking way.

NHL: Sharks at Red Wings, Game 1

7:30 p.m., Versus

Look, a Stanley Cup conference semifinal series starting before May 1! Don’t believe it until you see it.

MLS: New York at Dallas

8 p.m., ESPN2

It’s Soccer Night in America. So I’m told.

NBA: Pistons at Magic, Game 3

8 p.m., TNT

Hello, neighbor. Can you say, “foregone conclusion?” I knew you could.

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