FAMILY BRAGGING RIGHTS

Trevor Hoffman of the San Diego Padres became the first closer to reach 500 career saves Wednesday night. Forget about eclipsing Lee Smith, Goose Gossage and Mariano Rivera. Big brother Glenn only fell about 495 hits short of 500 in his stellar stint at shortstop with the Red Sox.

THE BIGGEST LOSER

Someone swiped over $16,000 of stuff from the home of fallen Patriots lineman Marquise Hill’s mother while she attended her son’s funeral Saturday. Don’t you just hope there’s a presidential suite in hell for select people?

STILL CRAZY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

White Sox manager and noted introvert Ozzie Guillen says baseball’s steroid investigation is targeting Hispanic players. Mark McGwire, Jason Giambi and Barry Bonds seem to attract the lion’s share of the media attention. I suppose the Irish, Italian and African-American communities should be up in arms.

NO TURNING BACK

Stan Van Gundy is set to become the Orlando Magic’s new head coach. Not sure the Magic have learned their lesson from the Billy Donovan debacle, though. They’re insisting that Van Gundy cut all ties with his past by promising not to continue moonlighting as adult film star Ron Jeremy.

REVISIONIST HISTORY

The Tour de France announced that it no longer considers Bjarne Riis its 1996 champion after Riis confessed to using performance-enhancing drugs. Cool. I no longer consider the Yankees world champions in ’96, then, because Dwight Gooden, Darryl Strawberry and Steve Howe all were on the roster.

PUCK STOPS HERE

The NHL playoffs have ended. Gillette stock skyrocketed 15 points on Thursday. Versus, meanwhile, expects its prime-time Nielsen share to drop one-hundredth of a point during the summer.

RUMOR HAS IT

Arizona defeated Tennessee two games to one in the Women’s College World Series. Sorry, can’t provide any additional details. I refuse to watch NCAA softball until Jennie Finch is granted an extra year of eligibility.

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