True confession: I’m rooting for the San Antonio Spurs to contract a case of Montezuma’s Revenge so the Cleveland Cavaliers can push this sorry excuse for an NBA Finals pairing to six or seven games.

No disrespect to the team of the decade intended, nor should that be considered a tacit endorsement of the one-dimensional Cavs. It’s simply my sick sense of humor talking.

The longer this foregone conclusion drags on, the better chance that LeBron James’ girlfriend, Savannah Brinson, will go into labor and deliver the couple’s second child. And I can’t wait for the uproar from disbelieving women and whipped men when LeBron plays on and gets his first glimpse of the kid on a cellphone camera.

Twenty-first century logic apparently dictates that an expectant father, no matter how lucrative or important his profession, must drop everything and run like a puppy to the delivery room. That’s what I heard in the advance discussion of James’ possible schedule conflict.

Please. Let’s set aside the unrealistic, Oprah’s Book of the Month philosophy that has besieged this country and get back to the real world, shall we?

If you’re a construction worker, a bartender or, heaven forbid, a sportswriter, by all means, get your sorry, soon-to-be-bankrupt butt to the hospital. You’re making $9.75 an hour (well, plus tips, if you’re the bartender). You are easily replaced. This goes for your job and your marriage. Be there, or be stuck trying to choose between using your last $20 to pay your child support or your monthly dues at

There is a different standard if you are an obscenely rich professional athlete who is part of a team in the thick of a championship race.

All this baby talk has cropped up three times in the past week, alone.

In addition to the James gang, Bruce Bowen and his wife started the playoffs expecting their second offspring. Mrs. B delivered over the weekend. Bruce didn’t miss a single hip check or flying forearm on the Spurs’ behalf.

NASCAR point leader Jeff Gordon’s wife is due to give birth any day now, too. Gordon has made no attempt to conceal the home front as his priority, going as far as to recruit Mark Martin as a relief driver if he chooses to take a week or two of family leave.

LeBron is right, and Jeff is wrong, giving even more ammunition to a fan base that has gleefully questioned the driver’s manhood for more than a decade.

Here’s another case where there are different rules for athletes, whether you like it or not.

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