DEAR ABBY: At 16, I married a man I didn’t love. No excuses, but the stress of that marriage kept me an angry person. I was an abusive mother when my children were growing up. I have apologized to them more than once and changed who I am. Last year, my second husband and I opened our home to my oldest daughter and her two children. (She had her third baby while living with us.)

Sadly, my daughter is perpetuating the abusive behavior she grew up with. I tried to gently bring it to her attention while she was living here, but she quickly blamed it all on me. She moved out, separated herself and her children from me, and through telephone conversations has also alienated her sister and brother from me. She has lied to them about me, and they have shared their horror stories about childhood abuse with each other. Now, only one out of four of my grown children will even speak to me.

What more can I do besides apologize? I love my children and grandchildren. I hate seeing them repeat the cycle of abuse. They blame me, saying they learned it from me. I have tried telling my daughter she must learn how to break the cycle and make things better for her own children, but this has only pushed her further away. How can I mend my broken family and my broken heart? – FILLED WITH REGRET IN INDIANA

DEAR FILLED WITH REGRET: You can’t. You planted this crop, and this is the harvest. However, if the child who is still speaking with you can prevail upon his/her siblings to reconsider what they are doing, there is a chance that with counseling the pattern of abuse can be broken. It’s a long shot. And if it doesn’t work, then you must seriously evaluate whether child protective services should intervene for the sake of your grandchildren’s safety.



DEAR ABBY: I need your advice on how to deny my granddaughter the right to live with me. My parents divorced when I was 11. I was the eldest of eight children and was sent to a foster home, where I was also their baby sitter.

When I graduated from high school, I immediately married a boy from school who I was friendly with. It got me out of the system, but I worked hard on that marriage. We had five children in six years, plus both of my elderly in-laws lived with us.

For the last two years I have been alone. (Both of my parents died shortly after my husband was killed in an auto accident.) I have been taking care of others all my life, so now I feel I deserve some alone time.

Because I own my home (which I earned myself), my granddaughter thinks it is her right to move in with her two girls as “you have more space than you need.” I love “Mary,” but I feel she won’t move out once she’s in. I don’t want to alienate her, but I want her to stand on her own two feet, not mine. – FEELING TRAPPED AND GUILTY

DEAR FEELING TRAPPED AND GUILTY: Stand your ground. You are not trapped and you should not feel guilty. Your alarm bells are going off with good reason. The statement that you “have more space than you need” is presumptuous, and shows that your granddaughter has an exaggerated sense of entitlement. And you might, indeed, have a hard time getting rid of her once she gets comfortable.

My advice is to “remind” your granddaughter of the facts of your life, just as you related them to me. You are entitled to peace of mind and a life of your own because you have definitely “served your time.”

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

Good advice for everyone – teens to seniors – is in “The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It.” To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)