Not sure who invented the obligatory, ubiquitous Random-Thoughts-When-I-Don’t-Have-Enough-Coherent-Details-To-Write-One Column. But I’m going to pretend today is his birthday or anniversary of his death or something like that and thank him in the way only a self-respecting columnist knows how:

• The embarrassing recognition continues to roll in for Tom Brady.

Well, it could be worse. There’s no need to take a DNA test this week. Brady is merely considered the best-dressed man in the world, according to Esquire Magazine.

That and a nickel will help beat the San Diego Chargers, won’t it?

Let’s just say I don’t understand the concept of guys judging other guys’ sartorial splendor and leave it at that. I mean, isn’t ranking someone’s apparel completely subjective? It’s like music: I prefer Metallica. You dig Eric Clapton. Your girlfriend grooves to Joss Stone. Your mama thinks Barry Manilow is dreamy.

None of us are wrong. Except your mama.

Clothes are the same way, whether they make the man or not. Who’s to say that I don’t work a ketchup-stained t-shirt and carpenter jeans better than Brady flaunts his custom tailored threads, huh? Where’s the love?

Esquire supposedly (and I’m taking USA Today’s online word for it, since I refuse to read the entire article) lauds Brady for his “All-American Kennedy-clan suits.”

Oh, dear Lord.

Joining Brady in the top five are none other than hip-hop mogul Jay-Z and presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama.

The whole discussion makes me queasy. Brett Favre is universally worshipped for his toughness, Michael Vick for his elusiveness (well, once upon a time, anyway), and Peyton Manning for his ability to pitch everything from cell phones to space heaters in hell.

Our quarterback, conversely, is famous for his daily appearances on “Access Hollywood.” Sigh. But I guess the others don’t win as much as Brady, do they? So his softer side is just alright with me.

• First it was Reggie Miller. Now Allan Houston is considered the leading candidate to emerge from his crypt and give the Celtics an outside shooter.

This isn’t exactly the equivalent of adding Bill Walton’s bone-on-bone knees to an already loaded 1985-86 team that remains the greatest of all-time, in my not-so-humble opinion.

What the heck, why not give Larry Bird a call and see if he’s tired of this whole front-office thing?

• One quote from the Barry Bonds hoopla that I refuse to let slip through the cracks:

“I believe anybody in baseball who breaks any rules, anybody, not just Barry Bonds, they have to penalize. I broke the rules, and I’ve been suspended 18 years.”

That’s none other than the revisionist historians’ darling, Pete Rose. I think that’s a first: Pete pleading guilty.

So there you have it. All you suckers quit playing the “Bart Giamatti didn’t have any proof” card. Leave Jim Gray alone for doing his job and asking the tough question at the 1999 All-Star Game. Just accept the fact that Rose, like Joe Jackson before him, will never, ever, ever have his turned-up nose and mop-top hair cast into a bust at the Hall of Fame.

Those were his words, not mine. Let them stand forever.


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