DEAR MR. DAD: My 16-year-old son has two close friends: “Paul,” a very nice and polite boy, and “Mike,” a vulgar loudmouth, who, I feel, is a bad influence. When I ask my son why he hangs out with Mike, he says the boy is “fun.” I’d like to encourage my son to spend more time with Paul and less (or none) with Mike.

A: Forbidding your son to hang out with Mike will likely backfire. At 16, he’s going through a perfectly normal defiant phase anyway, and you don’t want to fuel any more conflicts than you’re already having. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get involved; just do it in a diplomatic way that won’t push your boy closer to you-know-who. As always, taking a non-confrontational, non-judgmental approach is your best bet.

Ask your son what he finds so appealing about Mike. What does he mean by “fun?” Is it possible that Mike actually has some redeeming qualities that your son sees, but you don’t? In other words, if you look beyond the cursing and the brash behavior, is Mike just a regular kid who swears to mask his own insecurities, or maybe to show off and attract attention? If Mike really more of a class clown than a hood, your son probably won’t be harmed by spending time with him. If, on the other hand, Mike’s language usage is a reflection of a deeper problem or a dysfunction, and if you feel that your son is imitating Mike’s behavior and mouth, then yes, be concerned, be vigilant, and be proactive.

You want your son to lose interest in Mike, but you want him to do it because he wants to, not because you told him to. Encourage your son to spend more time with Paul. Invite the boy to family outings, sleepovers, or whatever arrangements are appropriate. If your son asks whether Mike can be included in those activities, resist the urge to shout “NO!” Instead, explain that you find Mike’s swearing objectionable and tiresome, and don’t really enjoy having him around. Tell him, too, that while all of us occasionally let loose with a few inappropriate words, Mike’s consistently poor communication skills might exclude him from social interactions and limit his future job opportunities. Pointing out the possible consequences of the boy’s incessant cursing may de-glamorize him in your son’s eyes. Be careful not to criticize Mike’s personality in general; focus on just this specific behavior.

Will it work? In the best-case scenario your son will start to distance himself from the loudmouth. If other kids are shunning Mike as well, your son will probably realize that there’s nothing interesting or attractive about Mike’s poor choice of vocabulary.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to this: Sooner or later our kids will have to make their own decisions in life – and choose their own friends – and we, as parents, can only take a deep breath, cross our fingers. and hope that those choices are the right ones.