THE HEISMAN THAT GETS AUCTIONED IN VEGAS, STAYS IN VEGAS

O.J. Simpson was questioned and named a suspect Friday in a break-in at a Las Vegas casino hotel. Simpson claims that he entered a room to collect sports memorabilia that belongs to him. Well, that and somebody told him Nicole and Ron’s “real killer” was in there.

GOODELL, GOOD MAN

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell visited injured Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett in the hospital this week. In his first year, Goodell has done nothing except prove that he cares about the image of a great game and cares about the well-being of the men who play it. David Stern has serious competition for the title of Best Boss in Professional Sports.

YOU CAN’T TAKE IT WITH YOU

Golden State Warriors coach Don Nelson has reconfigured his contract, upping his annual salary from $3.1 million to $5.1 million but making the final season a club option year. Do you suppose that’s because the club did the math and figured out Nellie would be 106 years old at the end of his contract?

SOME NFL FRANCHISES AREN’T WORTH THAT MUCH

An e-mail exchange that showed Formula One driver Fernando Alonso and test driver Pedro de la Rosa harbored secret technical information belonging to rival Ferrari persuaded the World Motor Sports Council to fine McLaren $100 million and ban them from the F1 championship race. No truth to the speculation that Ferrari’s informant is a guy named Mangini.

I’M A FINN, SO I CAN MAKE FUN

The Buffalo News reported that the Sabres suspended 39-year-old defenseman Teppo Numminen because he needs surgery to correct a heart problem. Buffalo has been criticized for insensitively protecting its investment, but hey, they’re just looking out for Teppo. He has the same condition that killed Groucho and Harpo.

EYE CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW

LeBron James underwent Lasik eye surgery last weekend. Cleveland Cavaliers’ fans want an asterisk next to the San Antonio Spurs’ most recent NBA championship, on the grounds that their main man couldn’t see the basket.

BUT WHAT’D HE SHOOT ON THE BACK NINE?

Jay Osmon, the assistant pro at Cattails Golf Course in Colorado, shot a 56 at his home course a week ago. Yet another kick in the Plus Fours for those of us who were proud of our 99 at Springbrook.