Many of the best motivational experts tell us that our lives are determined by the quality of our questions. Why would it not be the same for our relationships?

There are several relationship questions that most couples ask that are fairly lousy questions. For example:

• Why doesn’t he/she (fill in the blank) anymore?

• Why does he/she always/never (fill in the blank)?

• What happened to the fun and loving person I married?

• Why doesn’t he/she ever think of me and my needs?

• What’s in it for me anyway?

Can you see how some of the questions above might not be the most helpful questions to be asking about your relationship and your partner? Can there possibly be any good answers to the questions above? Are there any answers that give a couple hope or direction? So why keep asking them?

If our typical relationship questions are really rather lousy, what else is there to do?

Lousy questions get lousy answers. Better questions get better answers.

Here are some suggestions for asking better questions:

• When were we the closest, and what did we do during those times that we could do again now?

• What is the purpose of our relationship?

• What kind of legacy do we want to leave with our relationship?

• What are the most important emotional needs of my partner?

• What are the dreams of my partner and how am I doing in helping her/him to make those dreams come true?

• What are the areas and subjects that are very sensitive to my partner?

• On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest, how would I rank myself as a partner? If this number is lower that I want it to be, what can I start doing differently right now to make things better?

Now while these are better relationship questions, you may have noticed that the questions are getting increasingly tougher. Here’s the toughest question of all:

Ask your partner – On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest, how am I doing as a partner?

Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist. E-mail him at [email protected] or, for more tips and tools for living you can visit www.JeffHerringOnline.com.