Have you ever noticed that it is much easier to inflame a disagreement than it is to defuse a disagreement?

This seems to be especially true in love relationships. I believe this is because, in love relationships, there is a set of steps guaranteed to inflame a disagreement and a set of steps that are much more likely to defuse a disagreement.

Since most of us are already experts at inflaming a disagreement, I thought it might be useful in this article to focus on how to defuse a disagreement.

Here are some sure fire ways to defuse a disagreement:

• Give up the right to be right. And you thought this was going to be easy! Some people like to be right, some people need to be right, and still others have raised it to an art form. Just once, give your partner a break.

• Remember that there are times in love relationships where you can be right or you can be happy, but not both. What is more important? The issue and who is right and who is wrong, or the relationship?

• Save the hostile debates for presidential elections. If you like to discuss issues and even debate with your partner, that great. Just leave out the hostility.

• Nine times out of 10, an argument grows out of some unmet emotional need. Identify the emotional need that is not getting met, and there is no longer a need for conflict and arguing. This does take some practice.

• Entertain the shattering possibility that the cause of the disagreement might be your fault. Just try asking the question, “OK, what might be my part in all this mess?”

• Take you eyes off the content of what is being said and focus instead on the heart of what is being said. Focusing on the content of what is being said sets you up to be tempted to refute what the other person is saying. For example: “Oh yeah, well what about that time seven years ago when I did come home early from work!?!”

Focusing on the heart of what is being said allows you to take care of the emotions that are being expressed. Only after dealing with the heart is there any point in discussing the content.

Listen to the heart.

For more tips and tools for couples and singles, you can visit http://www.SecretsofGreatRelationships.com.

Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist. E-mail him at [email protected] or, for more tips and tools for living you can visit www.JeffHerringOnline.com.