DEAR ABBY: My husband, “Cal,” and I have decided to have Thanksgiving at our house this year. The last three years we have gone to my sister-in-law’s house. When I told my father-in-law our decision, he yelled at me and walked out of my home. After that he called Cal and screamed at him, saying that we are being disrespectful to him.

The guys usually hunt over that holiday weekend. By celebrating Thanksgiving here, my father-in-law says we are depriving him of four days he could be hunting with my husband. I suggested that they do it here, but he insisted there is no good game around here. After another round of yelling, my father-in-law hung up on Cal.

I don’t understand what the problem is. We thought it would be nice to finally have Thanksgiving dinner at our house. I don’t know what to say to my father-in-law now. I feel very hurt. It’s causing a lot of stress, as if the holidays are not already stressful enough. What should I do about this? – STRESSED OVER THE HOLIDAYS

DEAR STRESSED: Your father-in-law behaved like a rude child. It wouldn’t hurt him to let the wild animal population build itself up again for a year. Please don’t take what he said personally.

Be sure your father-in-law knows exactly when Thanksgiving dinner will be served. Set a place for him, but don’t count on him showing up. If he doesn’t, you will know where his priorities lie. However, if he does come and sulk, ignore the petulance and go on with the party.



DEAR ABBY: My brother “Wilbur” is supposedly bipolar and hasn’t held a job for more than six months at a crack. He is going to be 48 years old. In between jobs, he ran to our parents for financial help. When Dad was around, he could control it somewhat. But Dad is gone now, so Mom is giving all this money to Wilbur.

Mom was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, so how do we stop this nonsense? Wilbur won’t quit demanding money. I think Mom is afraid not to give it to him because she thinks he’ll go wacko. Wilbur doesn’t have a permanent address because he’s in and out of homeless shelters, so we can’t get a restraining order. Please help, because this is stressing our family out. Mom needs to know that she owes Wilbur nothing, and it’s OK to turn him out of her home and cut off the funding.

I know a power of attorney will do the trick, but how do you make a person realize that her son is a con artist and is just abusing her? For 27 years I have argued with Mom over all that she has given Wilbur. In her final years, I’d like to enjoy our time together and not fight. By the way, my sister and two other brothers feel the same. Any ideas? – HAD IT IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR HAD IT: You have my sympathy. The money your mother is doling out is a Band-Aid on a broken arm; it isn’t solving your brother’s basic problem, which is the need to be treated and medicated.

Your mother is ill, and she isn’t going to get better. You will get nowhere trying to argue with her. Therefore, it is time for you and your siblings to consult a lawyer about a power of attorney for her financial matters, and a power of attorney for health care if she doesn’t already have one.

By the way, if your mother is being “bled” for money, it could be considered elder abuse. An attorney, as well as your state’s Area Agency on Aging (it’s listed in your phone directory), can help you put a stop to it.



Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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