In my experience as a singles and relationship coach, most people are not smart daters. Most singles make at least one if not a series of the most common dating mistakes. Let’s take a closer look at each of these mistakes and what to do instead.

Recently I had the pleasure of interviewing the husband and wife psychology team of Judith Sherven and Jim Sniechowski on the subject of smart dating. They have designed their own smart dating program for singles.

According to Judith and Jim, the biggest mistake that almost every single makes is “playing the dating game.” The opposite of smart dating is traditional dating. Quoting Judith and Jim, “The traditional way of dating does make it a ‘game’ and that’s the problem – because meeting and mating isn’t ever going to succeed when approached like a game.”

Approaching dating as a traditional game means playing hard to get, acting mysterious, building up a man’s ego, acting like her Prince Charming, pursuit and capture, it’s just as easy to marry a rich man, gotta keep her guessing, and on and on it goes

Smart dating allows you to approach dating with your head up, knowing what you want and how to get it, and being yourself. So many times, in an attempt to put our best foot forward and make a good impression, we act like someone we are not. Then we wonder why we are so disappointed when we discover the person is not who they portrayed themselves to be. Or you are the one who disappoints because you are not as you portrayed yourself to be.

This false portrayal is based on the fear of rejection. When we approach dating as a game, we give a ton of power to the other person, and we can be rejected!

When you approach dating from a smart perspective you cannot be rejected.

Think of it this way – When you are looking for a house, you have a list in mind about which house and what kind of house will be the right one for you.

If you or your real estate agent shows you a house that in many ways is a great house, but just not the right one for you, for whatever reason, it is not an issue of rejection. It an issue of not the right fit.

You would not however, try to make the house fit when it cannot, or go home feeling rejected by the house. That sounds silly, but it is what we do in relationships.

So get very clear about what you want in a relationship, look for that fit, and do not settle for less. The beauty is when you find someone who fits you and you fit that someone.

Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist. E-mail him at [email protected].