Good morning, Americans. My name is Mark LaFlamme and I don’t want to be your president. I don’t want to be your president because you people are a needy lot and who wants to listen to that every day?

“I need a tax cut.”

“I need security at the borders.”

“I need a minimum wage increase and wah, wah, wah!”

To address all of that business, I’d have to get up before noon and I’m just not willing to do that.

Fortunately for you spleeny Americans with your piles of wants, there are plenty of people out there just aching to lead. You hear them stumping from bar stools, orating to anyone who will listen about exactly what they would do to turn this country around. They write letters to newspapers outlining their can’t-fail agendas in 250 words or less. Wannabe presidents describe the Utopian nation they will build, with flying cars that run on recycled independents, foreigners chased away by robot dogs, and bald eagles in every backyard.

Everyone but me wants to be president, as it turns out, and I asked a few of them to lay out their ideas. Not for a full presidential term, mind you. I had unsettling images of mushroom clouds rising over a dead planet because some of these people drink a lot and you wouldn’t want them anywhere near the Pentagon or the interns.

The question is: What would you do if you could be president of the United States for one day? (God help us all.)

A 40-something man between jobs: “Maybe I’d grant some pardons. I’d fly around on Air Force One. Maybe throw out the first pitch at a baseball game. That type of thing.”

Not exactly an altruistic drive to end world hunger, but not bad. I’d kind of like to see the 40-something double-hop that first pitch to the plate and get booed out of the park. That’d learn him for not addressing the Kyoto Treaty.

A 41-year-old woman who manages an office: “I would cut back on troops overseas. Any country that did not help fight the Iraq war would cease to receive any further financial assistance, and I would start a construction project and make it a law that we build a fence to secure our borders. Oh, yeah, tort reform. I would sign that into law, too.”

Very impressive. I don’t understand any of it, but I don’t see a population-snuffing crisis arising from this. Maybe the self-destructive nature of man is not so prevalent after all.

A physician in his 50s: “Blow up the nuclear facilities in North Korea and Iran … just for starters.”

Strike that last thought and meet me in the fallout shelter.

A woman in her 40s: “Bomb Paris! And I’m not talking Paris, Maine.”

I pressed her for information on what kind of threat Paris posed to us, but the woman only launched into a series of jokes about the French army. Remember what I said about some of these people drinking like fish? Yeah, man.

A school teacher in his 20s: “Make sure W is not president tomorrow.”

Sounds reasonable.

His wife: “Require that all elected officials are volunteers who work with no perks.”

Ah, reinstate slavery. That’d go over well.

A 40-something man who thought he had found a delicious benefit to the new job: “I’d sleep with the first lady!”

I reminded the wanton wannabe that if he were president for the day, the first lady would be his wife. To which he replied with less enthusiasm: “Oh. Right.”

A 29-year-old woman: “I’d finally be able to meet every player on the Red Sox and sit behind home plate.”

Good luck cozying up to Manny with the Secret Service hovering around, lady.

The same woman, as an afterthought: “Well, then I would do away with welfare.”

And, finally, some thoughts from another woman pushing 30: “I’d look over the budget and cut out unnecessary spending and work on these so-called contracts the U.S. uses that are over-inflated just to make one person or corporation rich. In doing this, I’d hope to be able to cut taxes. And speaking of taxes, I’d make it so the poor are not taxed more than the rich. Just silly, if you ask me. Also, I’d like to start some bipartisan dialogue because this two-party system isn’t working. Plus, I’d fly around a lot on Air Force One! It’d be a busy day.”

Brilliant! When the Democrats get around to choosing their candidate somewhere around late September, they might want to probe this woman for advice on platforms. Of course, by then they’ll be too tired to care.

As for me, I know you’re all wondering: What would I do if I were president for a day?

It’s a no-brainer. Fly me out to Nevada, boys, and open up Area 51. I know you’re keeping extraterrestrials on ice there and some spiffy, plasma-driven spacecraft as well. As your leader, I demand that you show it to me so I can relay the truth to the rest of the world.

Just don’t schedule it until after noon. I like to sleep in, you know.

Mark LaFlamme is the Sun Journal crime reporter. You can e-mail him at [email protected].