My friends, in these times of struggle and uncertainty, when the future of our very existence seems to tremble on some unseen precipice, I’d like to have a frank conversation with you about the state of things. I’d like to pontificate about the choices we face and how you can best approach them with the well-being of your family in mind. I’d like to share my own views and explore how they dovetail with your own.

I’d like to come over to your house and drink all your beer while I do this because, let’s face it: I have the attention span of a strobe light. You might get a few meaningful thoughts out of me, but then I’ll be rolling on the floor with your dog and asking about sports scores.

Please allow me to get started, Bill, before I drift off. May I call you Bill?

So, how about that Republican pick for vice president, huh? When I first read of Sarah Palin’s political background, I thought former Lewiston Mayor Kaileigh Tara had joined the ticket. And that Kaileigh had taken up hunting elk with an assault rifle.

Stop praying for my soul, Republican. I have no beef with you or the person you select, through a bingo-ball-style drawing, to put on your presidential ticket. I’m only saying that if Palin is ready to lead the country, then so is Doris Cleeg, one-time mayor of Thorndike, Maine who later went on to launch the most popular bait store in the greater Thorndike area.

No, really. Doris Cleeg. Look it up if you don’t believe me.

On the Democratic side, Obama and his people reacted to the news mostly with silence. Granted, they were likely hung over from that four-day keg party of a convention, but wow. You could hear jaws creaking open and crickets chirping. I’m pretty sure that somewhere in the distance, a dog barked.

I would laud the Dems for their discretion in dealing with the Palin issue, but then I swiftly recall that Joe Biden is on the ticket. Joe might be a seasoned political pro and a handsome son-of-a-bitch, but he is also hampered by an affliction that more than occasionally causes him to open his mouth.

When Joe gets around to commenting on the GOP VP pick, I expect it to be delivered with his usual sense of tact and decorum. Such as: “Wow. A dame, huh?”

Stop trying to shoot me up with stem cells, Democrat. Can you not see that I’m trying to offend everybody equally?

As a longtime student of political strategy, (I started paying attention way back in January) I can see that this campaign is going to be what professional pundits call “a corker.”

It’s a corker because as you will see in the comment section of every news story, Republicans and Democrats cannot agree on a thing. If one party asserted that the moon is composed of rich iron blasted off the Earth in a fantastic, cosmic collision billions of years ago, the other party would say it is made of cheese. And further, it is made of cheese that should be traded freely with other countries in accordance with NAFTA. Which admittedly needs work.

Republicans will tell you that John McCain is a war hero with a long track record of public service. Democrats will respond that “long track record” is only a clever way of saying that John McCain is old. So old, in fact, that he was around to see that cosmic collision that gave us our beautiful moon of cheese.

Republicans will say that Sarah Palin’s pregnant teenage daughter is only a symbol of eroding family values in this country, and in Alaska, as well. And anyway, what business is it of yours?

Democrats will point out the hypocrisy that the Republican party tends to frown on things like birth control and sex education and yet here they are, welcoming the birth of the little Palin as if each of them was an aunt or uncle ready to start nose-pinching and snapping photos in the delivery room.

Conservatives and liberals, when they get around to scrapping anonymously in blogs, are like Yankees fans vs. Red Sox fans. Like Cheers patrons vs. patrons of Gary’s Old Towne Tavern. Like Apple vs. Microsoft.

Only louder and without Spell Check.

You yacksters spend so much time questioning Obama’s heritage or ogling McCain’s wife, nobody remembers who stands where on which issue anymore. A slick-talking moderate could sneak in right now and steal the election from the nominees.

In my mind, that person always looks like Martin Mull, but a Ralph Nader, a Frank Cotton or an Allan Keyes could do it, provided they grow the proper mustache.

Whatever happens, come January we will have a new leader to guide us deeper into the 21st century and few will disagree that this election is as important as any other before us. Which is why I’ve come along to hold your hand and help you in the selection process.

Unfortunately, I’m out of space before getting to the really good stuff. Also, Bill, you are out of beer and I need to check the baseball scores.

May I play with your dog?

Mark LaFlamme is the Sun Journal crime reporter. You can e-mail him at [email protected].