I honestly don’t remember the day of my birth. Who remembers the day of their own birth? I imagine several people coming into the hospital room. I imagine my mom and dad hugging, smiling, kissing. I can’t remember seeing them do any of these things. I imagine smiling.

I remember my dad playing music in the garage with the band. I remember playing with friends at the soccer field and spending “late” nights at the basketball court when my parents coached. I remember those happy times, even though they seemed to last for such a short time.

I remember when life was no more complex than, “Am I going to go outside or play with my stuffed animals?” I remember when it felt like my life began to crumble, or so it seemed. I remember when daddy left home. It was a sunny day. The boy from across the street was over playing. We were on a wooden platform in the garage before the entrance to our house. Daddy bent down so he was at eye level with me. In front of the boy, daddy said he was leaving for a few weeks. I cried. My daddy was leaving. I cried harder. I didn’t know my daddy wasn’t going to live at home again. I cried.

I remember the yelling and the fights. I remember the sadness and accusations. I remember the confusion. I remember tears that never seem to end.

I am older now, and I still struggle occasionally. It is my last year here, right down the street from the soccer field and the basketball court. Sometimes I feel fine and sometimes I feel like the tears will never end. I am going to a different school. I am going to live with my dad. I will be with him once again. It’s not far from the soccer field and the basketball court and the garage where the band once played, but even so…

I wonder if this sadness will ever go away. The sadness is still here, it’s just hidden. We pretend it does not exist. Whether or not others are aware of it’s presence, I may never know.

I fear the oncoming years as much as I long for them to come. I wonder how I will have spent my time and who I will have known when I stand at my high school graduation. Will I stand in front of everyone and remember the band, the soccer field, the yelling, the fighting, the hurt, the laughs, and friends? I intend to live my life to the fullest, as I imagine everyone intends initially, despite the obstacles we all face. But when I have lived my life and it is time for me to leave this earth, I wonder who will stand over my body at a funeral home. I wonder what they will think of me and how they will feel. I wonder what they will remember.