Magic makes Celts disappear
This front page headline alarmed me. For a moment, I thought I had awakened in medieval Europe where members of a tribal society were doing battle with a band of diabolical sorcerers bent on dominating the world through treachery and magik. Then I realized the story was all about basketball, felt a twinge of disappointment and moved on.

War games in Monmouth
This headline and accompanying photo alarmed me. For a moment, I thought Soviets had invaded a small Midwest town and now the future of the nation – nay, of humanity – rested on a ragtag group of scrappy kids hiding out in the woods, arming themselves and speaking in ’80s-era dramatic inflection. Also alarming was the notion that Lea Thompson was still acting, Jennifer Gray had her original nose and C. Thomas Howell was casted as a tough guy.

Wood used by window vandals
These punks are so corrupt, they steal stuff just to throw through windows. If these were the days of punishment fitting the crime, the culprits would be sentenced to a summer of stacking wood in some mosquito-plagued swamp in northern Maine while a Wilfred Brimley-looking boss glowered over the butt of a rifle.
“Stop for water, bawse?”
“No, jackass. Keep stacking. It’s not October yet.”

Sucker punch
In Lewiston early in the week, a man was reported punching himself in the face outside a corner store. He was pretty messed up when all was said and done, but you should see the other guy.

I didn’t see a thing
Now that I’m off road with the Suzuki, it would appear I will serve as contraception on two wheels. I don’t mean to, really; and I apologize to the couple at the end of that trail by the river. I didn’t see a thing and your secret is safe with me. After this, I mean.

Idolized
Oh. My. God. Can you believe Kris Allen overcame Adam Lambert with such gusto? Can you believe the squealing insane chick was back and that Bikini Girl came out with a new front end? Wasn’t Rod Stewart a drunken mess and Cyndi Lauper just hot as hell? My God, I’m fanning myself over here, sisters. Look at me! I’m fanning myself!
To tell the truth, I’ve never watched American Idol and don’t really know how it works – does that foreign fella even work for the show? He always looks like he just wants to punch everyone that comes onto the stage. But come Thursday, you could not take a step to your right or to your left without running into someone ranting in helium tones about the dramatic season finale. I haven’t seen this much enthusiasm over strangers on a show since the Gong Show.