Ed McMahon is dead
A legendary drinker, he became famous by roaring laughter at the wit of others. First Johnny and then those groin abusers on the blooper show. Getting stinking rich on the talents of others is a talent all its own. People who never witnessed McMahon as Johnny Carson’s sidekick will nonetheless bellow “You are correct, sir!” at odd moments, not knowing to whom they pay this loud tribute. Ed McMahon died owing me a million dollars, and I have the check to prove it.

Michael Jackson is dead
As a child, during an unfortunate fling with disco, I made the mistake of playing a Jackson song on the record player. I got beaten so badly by my older brother, I couldn’t tolerate anything but Springsteen, Uriah Heep and Deep Purple for several months. The aversion therapy stuck and I never listened to music from anyone in bell bottoms again. MJ was a musical talent, no one can deny that. However, he must also go down in history as the least frightening zombie ever.
Michael Jackson is dead, but his nose might live another 20 years.

Farrah Fawcett is dead
As a boy, I never hung a poster of Farrah. No, for me it was a tattered portrait of that other angel, Jaclyn Smith, ripped out of a magazine. You have to remember that I never did what other kids were doing: Royals instead of Red Sox, Green Machine instead of Big Wheel, squirrel innards instead of Play-Doh, etc. Farrah was a beautiful woman though, and I’m sorry now that I never returned her calls.

Billy Mays is dead
Though Mr. Oxiclean was guilty of making me buy a lousy car-detailing product, I grew to respect the way he rose out of the Atlantic City dust to become among the most successful pitchmen ever. I think many of us reviled the man because most of us had a friend just like him. He was the one who would drink all your beer and then take off with your girlfriend and car keys after convincing you to give him gas money. And the next day, you would thank him for it. Persuasive bastard. I wonder what heaven is like for a pitchman?

Jeff Goldblum is dead
At least, he was declared so in a fast-moving rumor that began on Twitter. Do you ever get the feeling that the end of the world may come about because of information passed through one social network or another? Taiwan tells Nepal that the U.S. is launching missiles at China and the next thing you know, bombs are falling everywhere. Jeff Goldblum is alive and well, but the world may end soon. Not with a bang but a Twitter.

Comments are no longer available on this story