Man slaps stranger’s baby at Wal-Mart
It happened in the Atlanta area and the story became an instant Internet sensation. While I admit it’s a bizarre and disturbing story, if news agencies reported all the bizarre and disturbing things that happen at Wal-Mart, we’d have to create a whole new section, one with a yellow smiley face sporting a black eye at the top of the page. It’s a great graphic idea and I claim it as my own. In the “It Happened at Wal-Mart” section of your local paper, you’ll hear all the latest on groin kicks, hair pulls, customers going ballistic on clerks, off-duty cops tackling suspects they spot in Home & Garden, brawls in the hardware section, ugly incidents in changing rooms, ugly incidents in restrooms, slap fights over parking spots, people who should be slapped because of truly atrocious parking habits, shopping cart mishaps, pranks involving open-ended pasta boxes, fashion faux pas, volume records set by large women screaming at children…
Most of those have occurred at your local Wal-Mart in recent weeks. I’ll let you figure out which ones since the publisher hasn’t warmed to my Wal-Mart supplement page just yet.

Down and dirty
A Maine man caught peering up at a girl from below an outhouse seat at a public rest area four years ago is accused of crawling into another pit toilet in New Hampshire.
Clearly the man has issues and I hope he gets the above-ground help he needs. But I can’t help myself from wondering how the cops go about deciding which of them has to pat the man down and physically make the arrest. That, my friends, is a bad day to be a rookie police officer.

Bennett considered for interim Sabattus town manager post
I foresee a rumble between Sabattus town leaders and their counterparts from Lewiston, right at the town line. That would put the action somewhere near Uncle Moe’s on Route 126. Mmmmm. Uncle Moe’s. Cheap, delicious breakfast all day long. I like the Spring Fling with coffee. Eggs over well, please, and could I get an extra side of bacon? These home fries are divine.
Wait, where was I going with this? Some sort of political analysis. I dunno. Who cares.

Bugged
If you have never experienced the thrill of a dragonfly stuck between your motocross helmet and goggles, I recommend it. It’s a special feeling, those stiff helicopter wings battering your forehead while the moist, squirmy tail goes to work on your eyelid. Good times. And having survived it, I can comfortably lay waste to the rumor that a dragonfly will sew together the lips of he who utters profanity in its presence. My friends, I delivered such a long and diverse utterance of profanity while I skidded to a stop out there in Hebron, I think the dragonfly was blushing as it extracted itself and buzzed away. And as you can see, my lips are working just fine.


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